For the Mr. Kites

So I have a 3 hour layover in JFK, so it's time to BLOG! The past week has been really good...I finished all my midterms the week before so I was pretty much just cruising before going on break. Spring break could not have come at a better time...I am so excited to just chill, go home and see my family & friends. I'm excited to be visiting socal too though....70 degree weather here I come!!! w00t.

I've been clearing some things up this week and it's been working, but at the same time even more has been weighing on my mind. Letting the peple who criticize do whatever they want, while keeping my actions to myself...When it comes down to it, some people can keep secrets and others can't, so I'll be sure to stick to those who can. It's nice to see how things are settling down and turning out...especially since I like the results.

Some notes about New England....WHY THE FUCK IS IT ALWAYS WINDY!?!?!? JEEBUS. I don't understand, I feel like I'm about to get blown away, and not in the exciting sense of the phrase either. And the wind ALWAYS blows in the opposite direction of my bangs, which is really annoying hahah. I still like the snow after a winter here, and rain too. Good for me keeping my preferences :) I really like the city of Boston, but I hate public transportation. I miss good asian food, so our trip into Chinatown last night was well in order.

I found a LOT of great music lately...it's very exciting. And I'm finally going to see Ratatat on 4/20!!!!!!! I'm SO EXCITED for that...HEHE. I realized that I love dance parties. What else is new...hahaha. My mind is starting to wandering because I'm getting too into the music lololol. Will blog later when I have something to say.

So that brings us to the past week. My happiness level has gone up by a lot; even my friends have mentioned how much more spirited and content I've been lately. The only teensy problem though was that after allowing myself to blow off work and going to classes for the chaotic hellweek before culture show, it's a little hard to get back into school mode. The first half of my week was a mess, with midterms and staying up all night and not sleeping enough and what not, but I like to think I got it together towards the end :) No more missing class for me!

This weekend has been ridiculously busy too, but I figured if I didn't blog now, I would never get my lazy ass around to doing it :) Yesterday, my friends and I went to the Museum of Science to watch a show. Basically, they have these awesome laser light shows that are synchronized to different bands, such as Queen, the Beatles, and Pink Floyd. The Pink Floyd was pretty good, but since I'm not a die-hard fan I didn't really know the songs. Hence, I was very excited to watch the Beatles this time. UNFORTUNATELY, due to the massive amounts of traffic we got there half an hour late and missed it. SIGH.



The night view of the Boston skyline might have made up for it though...GORGEOUS. Except you can't see in the picture that it is super super windy.


I don't know if I've mentioned it before, but in our culture clubs (CSA, KSA) we get split into families :) So last night was a family tournament hahaha and it was extremely competitive, squished, and fun. I need to improve at beer pong!! Although I've realized that I only get hangovers when I drink beer...which is often since everybody loves pong here....which sucks :( Need to find a way to counteract that...haha

And then today, rolled out of bed around one to go to the Museum of Fine Arts with some friends (aren't you proud of me mom??? I went to a museum for FUN). They had to look at impressionist paintings for their painting class, and I just tagged along. I really appreciate art a lot more than I used to when my family would drag me to galleries and what not. I realized that I love either really DETAILED art, or really simple art. All for the extremes!! Haha. But anyway, here is my favorite painting, The Seventh Plague of Egypt by John Martin:



It's not quite as amazing on a computer screen, but the real painting was huge, about 5x7 ft.




On a pretty separate note, these past 2 weeks I've really figured out who I actually enjoy spending time with, and who really isn't a good friend. It bothers me a lot how people here are so typical (refer to A Tidal Wave of Events part 1) and judgemental...I'm really sick of having my every action scrutinized and dissected. Honestly, I don't think I've changed very much since I've been here, so whatever they may find out about me should have no impact on how they view me whatsoever. I haven't changed, only their perception of me has. It's really annoying when people say things like, "Good, that makes me like you a lot better as a person". WTF? In a related situation, okay yeah I like to drink and go out with friends, and I like to get drunk. I've only crashed in a friend's room twice this entire year, and somehow all my friends think I'm so crazy for drinking so much or for not sleeping in my own bed, when they've done it so many more times themselves. They assume that if a guy walks me back to my room at 3 AM, that we're going to hook up. They assume that if I drink, I'm going to get trashed and make out with whoever is standing next to me. I really just want to tell them...Listen. I'm not you. I'm not that type of person, and if you don't know that by now, then you obviously don't know me very well. SIGH. I need legit friends, and I'm glad I'm finally on my way to finding them....maybe that's why I've been in such a great mood this past week :)



On one last note, I think I'm going to get my lip pierced over spring break :P Thoughts?

So right after I got back from 48 hours, it was the week of culture show. We had practices almost every night, and tensions were running rather high, which probably didn't help any. A lot of people were yelling for no reason, and basically the immensely high levels of stress brought out the best and the worst in everybody. It's really hard to try and get stuff done when people are falling asleep standing up and basically disregarding any directions whatsoever. Run throughs were kind of a mess, starting half an hour late (woot asian time!!) but we got our shit together :)

The day of the show was pretty smooth, the show was so fun!!! I miss hanging out backstage with all the people in the show, just chilling and eating and having a good time before we have to frantically run onstage :) I miss doing shows!! But yeah the performance was great, videos are on youtube I'm sure, just look up CSA/KSA culture show haha. I wanted to link the video of the fan dance, but I don't think anybody filmed it :( That makes me actually pretty sad....sigh. But anyway, here's a picture of the fusion part, with the korean fans on the outside, chinese fans on the inside :)



The afterparty of course was a complete shit show, full of drunken stumbling, some throwing up, crying, and drunk drama. Fun, but a little ridiculous, I basically ran away when shit started getting stupid and it was so full in the suite that we couldn't move. I did however take down the CSA president...So much for shot to shot hehe. I found her passed out on her bed an hour or two after I'd gotten there :P


yay fan dance girls!! :)


Stay tuned for part 3...

Okay, it's been a long time. Please, spare me, I've been ridiculously busy the past couple of weeks and a LOT has happened....so bear with me. This has been my first time sitting at my computer with absolutely nothing else I should be doing; no practices or meetings to run to, no midterm to study for, etc. I will even attempt to break up the text with pretty pictures :D and I think I'll just write separate posts for each event...hahah.

First off, I went to a retreat called 48 Hours during the first weekend of February. It's a retreat especially for freshmen, where we discuss social issues connected with the transition to college. I really did NOT want to go on this. While it had seemed fun and everybody had given great recommendations, this was the weekend before culture show and I had way too much I needed to get done. I almost backed out at the last second, but alas. The trip started off okay. It was about what I expected, lots of icebreakers and intense talks in small groups. My group leader Lainey was awesome; she's a senior who studied abroad in Florence last year, and she's extremely nice and honest, and unashamed to bring up topics. She led the discussions in good directions, and I enjoyed being under her guidance. My group was okay as well, even though several people didn't talk at all. Friday night and Saturday passed slowly, without any exciting news.

And then, we got free time. We were at a hotel in Brewster, right on Cape Cod and only a few thousand feet from the beach. For all you West-Coasters, you NEED to go to a beach during winter. The place, was absolutely gorgeous. We took a rickety wooden path through some forest, and we got to the Atlantic Ocean. The snow was piled up about 4 feet high, but since this weekend was so warm (as in, in the 40s lol) parts of it had melted and formed glacier-like things, making the beach look like some mini Antarctica. We had to jump from glacier to glacier to get anywhere near to the water, which we didn't anyway since it was low tide haha. It looked something like this:







So after seeing this gorgeous beach and some really insightful private journaling time, the weekend was finally worth it. There was also this great speaker who is a Theology teacher at Boston College and he teaches Buddhism. I am TOTALLY taking his class next year. One thing that bothered me though was that all the people on the trip completely epitomized the stereotype of BC students. We each had a chance to share our stories, and all of these ex-valedictorians, ex-football captains, ex-wrestling captains, ex-city council teen members, got up to say their bit. All their stories went like this: My life was perfect in high school and my dream school was Boston College (or Notre Dame, or Vanderbilt) but I got deferred and I was so sad, and then I got waitlisted, but now I'm here and at first the transition was SOO hard because everything was different from home but now everything is perfect and I'm SOO glad I came on this retreat. I love my life!!! Happily ever after. The fact that everybody said this was really ridiculous to me...When I was listening I couldn't help but think that they were all insane, because personally I still harbor thoughts about transferring. I guess I was just a bit disappointed by the confirmation of the cookie-cutter student.

I guess from 48 hours, although I was sick and exhausted, I did get something real out of it. I didn't expect to cry while writing in my journal; I thought I had resolved to be happy at Boston College no matter how much I missed home. It's been a rough start of a semester, dealing with stuff from home and also just homesickness, but I didn't even want to acknowledge how unhappy I was. Although it sounds cheesy, I felt a lot better after I finally admitted to myself that I still do kind of want to transfer. I guess in my determined state to be happy, I refused to let myself be sad and it just got a lot worse. Ironically, after I finally addressed my problems, things have started looking up. I don't know if the retreat was worth the $100 and lack of sleep, but I guess looking at my current emotional state and the mess I was 2 or 3 weeks ago, I'm glad I went anyway.

This is just to tide you all over for now, since I haven't posted in FOREVER and I feel slightly bad. :)


1. I (think I) have very good self control, and it transfers over to when im drunk too. I've never done anything really ridiculous that I regret while trashed, and can act sober when need be.

2. On a related note, I think when you're drunk the way you act is just an exaggerated version of who you really are. Therefore, I don't think being drunk is a good excuse for anything. Although blacking out could be a different story, maybe.

3. I've done a lot of things that people would never expect, and I haven't done a lot of things most people think I have. Surprise! Hahaha. You can figure out what I'm talking about for yourselves.

4. One of my biggest qualms with college is the fact that I'm no longer singing or dancing. It really sucks, I miss performing so much.

5. I have clammy hands. The scientific name for it is hyperhidrosis, and yes I looked it up in hopes of finding some way to get rid of it. It's extremely annoying to the point where I'm scared to hold hands with anybody or shake people's hands when I meet them because I don't want to leave a bad impression.

6. I get along with guys much better than girls. I'm not that girly to begin with, I don't have a high pitched voice, and guys just have so much less drama. I usually have several good close girlfriends and several different groups of guys that I like to hang out with, although for some reason its reversed since I got to BC. Gotta work on that one, haha.

7. Loyalty and dependability are two of the most important traits that I value in a friend. If you don't have both, you probably won't get very far on my friend list.

8. It bothers me when people refuse to tip, or tip very cheaply. It's like an extra few dollars, I don't get what the big deal is. I guess related to that, I just don't like it when people treat workers very meanly, no matter if its a waiter, bus driver, or store clerk.

9. Since BC has no greek system, I legit don't know anything about frats and sororities. I try to pick it up, but when my friends tell me about omegas, lambdas, gammas, deltas, or whatever random greek letter I usually don't really know what's going on, and just nod and pretend I do haha.

10. I loooove music. Courtesy of my very diverse music freak friends, I have everything from techno to country to underground rap to top40 songs. My favorite is either electro or songs with great female vocals, but I like to give everything a try :)

11. Everything I do is pretty deliberate and thought out to achieve my own personal goals, including the way I word my sentences. Although of course there are moments where I just don't think, but in general I know exactly what I'm doing. Maybe life would be more fun if I didn't think so much, but it'd also be a lot more up and down. Dunno which one I would prefer.

12. Two things I really regret are quitting piano when I was young and not sticking with dance when I started taking lessons at age 3. I would be amazing at dance right now if I hadn't quit, and I would also be amazing at piano...I wish haha.

13. I have strange sleeping habits. I used to sleeptalk/walk, my dad would wake up to noises and see me standing in the hallways and put me back to bed haha. I also have super vivid dreams that come in sagas and sometimes continue the next time I fall asleep. In the more recent years, I've started lucid dreaming, where the things I'm thinking about turn into what I dream about, but it's a light sleep where I can still hear the things going on around me and can wake up at any time I choose. If not, then sometimes I can control what happens in my dreams :)

14. On a somewhat related note (but not really) I was supposed to be born on Halloween, but was born a week late. Ironically, growing up Halloween was my least favorite day ever, I would always be scared shitless at night. Up until I was around 10 or so, I had a nightmare every year on Halloween to the point where I was scared to go to sleep the night of. I had some repeat nightmares, and some involving my sister the vampire.

15. Connected to that, my sister used to jump out at me from doorways as I walked down this long dark hallway in our house and scream I VANT TO SUCK YOUR BLOOD. She once chased me around in broad daylight around our backyard until I hid in a corner and cried. I was deathly afraid of vampires to the point where i used to sleep with my blankets bunched up around my neck so nothing could bite me in my sleep. I think this thing about vampires has caused some sort of twisted fascination with vampires and necks and what not. I also still hate horror things.

16. Also connected to that, my relationship with my sister is very interesting. She used to abuse me mentally because I abused her physically and my parents wouldn't let her hit me back. She used to call me her pet monkey, once tripped me so I flew into the counter at home and the chair fell on my head, and there is also the almighty Sailor Moon story. However, once she got to college and started drunk dialing me, I think we became friends. I like it better this way :)

17. I love the outdoors. Giant bodies of water are #1 (the beach, rivers/streams/lakes, the Stevens Creek Reservoir), but just generally anything green or blue is gorgeous to me.

18. I like to bake and clean when I'm stressed. I actually kind of just like to clean in general, I have this massive urge to clean my guy friends' rooms whenever I go over.

19. I generally have a very high tolerance for things and people. However, when I'm pissed, I am furious. Although once it passes, I'm all good. I try not to hold grudges, usually they're not worth it.

20. I like to read and write for fun. I miss taking writing and lit classes here...I like math and science too but not enough to take it for fun since I tested out of core.

21. I like my body and the way I look. I don't understand it when girls who are clearly skinny insist that they are fat and then proceed to monitor everything they eat. Just eat when you're hungry, stop when you're full and don't snack in between?

22. After I finish with school I want to travel, live in New York or abroad for several years each, but my heart will always stay in California <3. I want to grow old and die there.

23. A good conversation can cheer me up like no other. Talking, drunk talking, high talking, whatever. I enjoy them all :) In the same vein, I like to listen and give advice.

24. I love to help people, to the point where I screw myself over to make them happy. This used to be a huge problem at the beginning of high school, but then when I resolved to be less nice I became bitchy, and now it just kind of bounces back and forth. It's a neverending battle to find balance.

25. I'm pretty blunt and honest. If you can't handle it, sorry. I don't like this beating around the bush thing, and I think it's stupid to not be real, or even honest to yourself. I'll get less mad if you just tell me than if you hide it and I find out later.

So a quick disclaimer...
What I write on my blog is how I feel at that very moment. When I post at 6:19 in the morning, you can bet that there is definitely a legit reason that I am awake and that I am not going to be feeling too great. That's not to say I don't appreciate the comments...They really do make me feel a lot better, and maybe even a little bit silly about giving in to whatever negative feelings I'd been having and not putting up a better fight. But like I always say, things will be okay and everything looks better after a few hours of sleep in the morning light.


But anyway, there are a few good concerts coming up that I am dying to see. First off, Rockapella and Sara Bareilles are in Boston the weekend of the 20th, and then OK Go, Lady Gaga, Britney Spears, Vienna Teng, Katy Perry, and Simian Mobile Disco are all coming around this semester as well. I'll probably pass on the Britney Spears and Katy Perry, and Vienna Teng is in Sommerville, MA so, due to my super extensive knowledge of New England geography (LOL) I need to do some more research on whether that's even accessible to a car-less college student like me. But as for Simian Mobile Disco....I would absolutely LOVE to see them. However, nobody here listens to electronica or trance/techno.. which slightly saddens me. All the music here played is either like emo-alternative whiny stuff or like trashy hip hop and the top 40. SIGH. How disappointing.

Okay, so today's class isn't that bad I guess. Despite how boring he is, he does these little experiments and tries to break up classtime...and during these periods of time class is interesting I suppose. Right now we're doing some experiment to see how fast neurons can work, by having a row of people hold on to the ankle of the person to their right, and letting go when the person on their left pokes them haha. This is very amusing.
EDIT: I take that back, he just spent 10 minutes going over what a mean, median, and mode are

Also, I am going to be so swamped from now until spring break. Also, not a good week to be PMS-ing, but I don't think my body is kind enough to let me pick when. Also, its never a good week to PMS. So this week lots of culture show practice, meeting club families for dinner and a pre-dinner for the freshmen retreat I'm going on this weekend, which means I will get no work done this weekend. Although I'm supposed to get back early sunday afternoon, there is a Sexual Chocolate (our male step team...a show definitely made for females LOL) show in the evening and then culture show practice at night. Next week, culture show is on Friday which means that we're going to have practice a ridiculous number of times over the week. I'm super excited for the culture show afterparty, although the CSA president wants me to go shot to shot with her, since I am the only one out of all of my friends who hasn't made a fool of myself at any party...Slightly worried for my well being that night haha. But I trust the upperclassment to take care of me. But I digress. The week after that is midterms, and then one last painful week until spring break.

I miss home a lot. I usually miss home, but it's a little stronger lately. Maybe since I'm stressed, maybe since there's a snowstorm howling around outside, maybe since I got used to being home again over winter break. But regardless, I miss the sun and the beach, and my friends and my family and my parents. 25 days until I touch down at San Jose!!! I'm sad though, since my sister is in Senegal (a country in Africa, for clarification. Akon is from there! LOL though like I said to her when she told me, dunno if that's something to be proud of hahaha) I won't be seeing her until May, and then she just told me she's applying for internships in New York. :(


Okay, thinking about my sister's internships is making me think about what I'm supposed to be doing this summer, and now I'm stressing out even more haha. ERGH. As a psych major, I want to get started early, but I also want to be around home for my first summer. People have recommended internships, volunteering at hospitals, and getting a job...all of which are very good ideas. As a psych major who is not that interested in research though, I feel like volunteering or interning at a private practice or the psych department of a hospital would be more exciting.

Okay, I don't want to think about it.

So...a continuation from earlier tonight. I had tried to write a positive post, that would reflect on my generally happy belief that everything will be alright, but halfway through shit happened and I no longer felt like being happy whatsoever.

My life feels like a broken record and I'm not strong enough to just pull up that needle and set it down on a new CD. I also don't know how to fix the cracks. There is so much shit going on that I just don't know how to fix, but keep trying regardless. I'm so tired of feeling like everything is my fault, that I should feel guilty for being lucky or having friends, or for never having been clinically depressed or had some traumatic event happen to me. I'm so tired of playing the villain even though I know I'm not, or at least not doing it on purpose. I wish I had my peace of mind back... That was the most stable and happy that I'd felt in a long long time.

Life is easier when you don't get attached to other people.



There are too many things in the past that still twist my stomach into knots (quite literally, my stomach feels like I just took advil on an empty stomach or something right now) and make me almost sad enough to cry. Most of the things I've gotten over, some things I haven't but will, and maybe others are going to scar me for life and in the way I handle future situations.

Maybe, I feel like this because I have been very stressed lately. My days are jam packed until spring break, and I have no artistic outlet in which to pour my frustrations. My friends here, while fun, still can't live up to my friends at home, and a phone conversation or videochat is just not the same as a good face to face hang out. I'm still trying to get the hang of college, still trying to decide if I'm at the right place and doing the right things, and Life is not kind to me when I am confused.


I'm tired of not being happy with who I am or what I'm doing or who I'm doing it with. I just want to be happy, that's all.
It's 6:49 AM. I have class in 3 hours.

I blogged earlier about finally finding my peace of mind, of the relief that I had finally felt after a particularly tumultuous weekend. Well, that security has disappeared, shattered in a span of 24 hours that seemed like 2 giant steps back for that big step I finally took forward. And while I would like to say that I can find that epiphany again, those things are hard to come by, and now I just have to pick another way to cope. My thoughts and emotions are like cats; I had them finally caught in a bad and now they have been released, they have scattered like cats on the prowl at night, and for anybody who has literally tried, herding cats is completely impossible (much like making cows walk downstairs, but that's irrelevant).

With each argument though, I think I catch another one by its tail.



But anyway, that's a development that just happened within the half hour. I feel like I've grown up a lot coming to college, even if the people around me don't agree. Personality-wise, I haven't changed much, but first semester was a pretty shitty experience. I had to deal with a lot of things alone, and while this is corny, it did make me stronger....without first semester I don't think I could've had my drunk epiphany haha.



Okay, too many things are happening as I'm trying to write this and I don't know what I want to write about now. Will update later.