For the Mr. Kites

"Time, you can't see it you can't hear it, you can't weigh it or measure it in a laboratory. It is a seductive sense of becoming what we are, instead of what we were a nanosecond ago, becoming what we will be in another nanosecond. This whole entire landscape existing before and behind us and we move through it, slice by slice."

It's so easy to get carried away in your own life that you forget that everything you do has real consequences. Sometimes it takes getting into real trouble to realize that we all have a lot of growing up to do. I don't know what to say about the past two days except that I'm glad it's over. Slice by slice, I'm trying to move through it.



I don't think things will be the same anymore.

It is currently almost 3:30 in the morning, and for once, it is not thanks to my friends nor a book nor any type of controlled substance that I am still awake. This time, it is all me.

I don't quite know why or why now my insomnia has returned, only that it is back with a vengeance and despite the fact that I have been yawning for hours, when I close my eyes in anticipation of sweet sweet sleep all I end up doing is thrashing about in my too-hot blanket as I think about how uncomfortable it is that my shirt is riding up. I love to sleep...so why can't I?

My giant white flower. It looks like a huge gardenia! I was told. It was snapped off its branch too long ago, the edges of its petals are turning brown, and I am sad. At 3:33 AM, life seems to be a lot simpler than it usually presents itself. My five bouncy balls, one of each color lined up in the order of the rainbow, make me happy just looking at them. Souvenirs from my adventures today.

I am currently reading A Million Little Pieces by James Frey, and although it is a good book as I read it I can't help but wonder which parts are real and which parts are made up and whether or not that really matters.


Is what happens to us real, or how we perceive it?

It is currently 6:25 AM, and the only ones awake are a few wide-eyed warriors and maybe a couple of friends on the East coast waking up for work and internships. I myself am not quite sure why I am conscious...I left my two favorite As at around 1 AM, assuming that I would play a few rounds of omgpop and then head to bed. But alas, I picked up a book, marked by a dog-eared page about halfway through its creamy pages and I was hooked, again, so strangely, as I always have been.

It is hard to describe the type of effect that an engaging book has over me and my mood, and even harder to not make it sound obsessive, or even unhealthy almost. The moment I start in on a book that manages to capture my interest, and this is not a terribly difficult thing to accomplish, I can barely stand to put it down. I do not know how else to say it besides that it feels like a mood settles over me, like storm clouds separating me from the outside world. I become quiet, sometimes sullen, and anything that makes me have to set aside my fictional world is generally not too kindly received. Friends around me notice, and I have no explanation to give them other than that "I feel weird today". But I know what causes these moods, and what can get rid of them. It is only when I have bulldozed through the hundreds of pages that had lain innocently before me do I arise from this almost catatonic state, shaking it off as I stand up as if coming out of a daze.

This might sound strange, in a generation that much prefers video games and the Internet to print, but this happened to me even when I was small. Gleefully coming back from the library with a bag full of books, I would retreat to the nearest comfortable spot as my family would warn me to finish my homework before I started reading. My sister and I were scolded for reading in the car, at the dinner table, while company was over, any time that we could sneak in a couple more words. At night I hid under my covers, overheating and suffocating under my blankets as my slightly sweaty fingertips awkwardly manned a flashlight and attempted to turn page after creamy page. I devoured characters, stories, and entire worlds, never being able to get enough, even if I had run out of pages to turn. Truly, can I really call it a love of reading? While certainly I have come across such well-written passages and plotlines that I had to stop and reread them, in awe of the author's abilities to wind together letters and words, in truth it all comes down to my overwhelming desire to find out what happens next.

Being a hermit, detached from the real world in all senses does not seem particularly healthy to me, and yet I am unable to stop. This summer, the abundance of time on my hands has led me to the library, and once again I find myself more often than not curled up with a book, reading at ungodly hours that are meant for other things; sleep, dinner, spending time with friends. Such a curious thing to ponder after reading for 4 hours, and I guess it is interesting enough for me to forsake whatever other 5 or 6 hours of sleep that I could have snatched before it would actually be ridiculously lazy for me not to wake up. My head is pounding and I am quite aware that I should be in bed, but with the strange California sun tempting me through the untimely June clouds, attempting to sleep seems out of the question for now. At least I am satisfied, finally knowing the fate of that other Boleyn girl....at least until I begin the process again diving into pages bound between the most inviting blue covers.

So coming home, I knew I had 4 long months ahead of me, filled with nothing to do except a trip here or there and maybe a job. SO, I've set my mind to being productive this summer. After giving myself a week or two to do absolutely nothing, I've been trying to set my plan into motion this summer. So far I think I'm succeeding!! I've made a trip to the library (and started reading for leisure again..something I sorely miss), gone biking with friends, gone running, started working, and started singing again. Now I just need to keep these things going and start dancing and writing again too and I'll be all set. Accomplishing things makes me more satisfied than anything :)

I don't know what it is, but this summer I've been gravitating more towards simple pleasures. Sure, I still have the urge to get trashed and have drunken adventures, but for some reason it's just not the same as those booze-filled nights in college. Maybe it's because I got written up, maybe it's being I got tired of being hungover until 9 PM the next day, but whatever the reason I'm not complaining. Good wholesome fun might be hard to find, but it's there. When did we forget??

Life feels like one great circle. Like I was talking to A about, we had our happy childhoods, and then that age where everything was immature and the dumbest things were hilarious (YO MOMMA), and then all of a sudden we had to grow up. We tried so hard to be too cool and too popular for that stupid stuff, and pretended to be mature and sexy and classy. And finally, now that we've grown up, I've realized that the stupid shit IS funny. It doesn't matter anymore who was popular and attractive in high school, the world is so much bigger than our home towns that honestly, we can do whatever the fuck we want (superhero nerd anyone?) and there will be a group of friends waiting for us out there who love doing the exact same things. That's-what-she-said jokes are hilarious again, and I love it. Maybe when we're senile, we'll be just as happy as when we were kids.

I don't know how or when I first thought of this theory, but this is the first time it's really been a concrete idea (oxymoron!) to me, much less said anything about it. When we are kids, we view the entire world in wonder, and therefore are extremely easily amused. This persists until we get to the age where we THINK we know everything, but what's wrong with being easily amused?? For one thing, life is much more fun, and the world retains a sort of mystical sense that I am completely okay with. Why take away your own excitement??

When did we forget this?? When did we move away from creating our own fun to turn towards alcohol, sex, and drugs?? If that was called growing up, then I'm ready to grow down again. Suddenly, those things that had entertained me so much during high school and my freshmen year of college are unappealing. I want to play in the sun, go biking and running, shoot hoops with friends and roll around in the grass. Dressing up is fun, but my outfit of choice recently has been a comfortable plain tank or tee and running shorts....so comfortable :) I want to do things like get ice cream and watch UP (which by the way was fantastic...more on that later) and play with my dog. I love giving myself so much to look forward too...I am very excited for the rest of summer <3

Also, on a more random note, I didn't realize this until lately but somehow, I follow sports now. It started with college football, most obviously since I now have a stake in a team (my own hehe), and then I found myself watching the world series online as I did my homework and secretly snickering when the Red Sox lost (DON'T KILL ME). Then basketball summer, and I found myself tuning into every game of the playoffs and being disappointed if I had to leave before the end of the game. Somehow, I now watch sports. WTF? Who would've thought?? I have to say though, the playoffs were rather disappointing. First of all, Celtics weren't even in, Lakers won, and then the Cavaliers disappointed me. SIGH. Should I even bother watching the finals?!?!? I guess if anything, I'm rooting for the Magics. I'm even starting to pick my favorite teams and players...hehe. What a most interesting development!!!

I finally watched Up last night after failing once before (sold out...) and it far exceeded my already high expectations. I don't know how Pixar does it, but they have yet to disappoint me. Their awesome computer graphics skill combined with the classic Disney life lessons hidden in a heart-wrenching but humorous movie left me wanting to watch it just one more time. Although it was a little more adult than I would expect from a Disney movie, that just made it all the better I think. Disney/Pixar's attention to even the smallest details show through, and the care they took in creating this amazing movie certainly paid off. I highly recommend this to anybody and everybody, regardless of age or gender or anything else. Guys, go watch it with a girl and pretend they made you go with them. It is seriously that worth it. I know I'll be buying the DVD for this film the moment it hits the shelves.



Until next time!! Think about growing down :)