For the Mr. Kites

Last year, during most of my many reflections on my college experience, I used to tell myself and others that I didn't think I'd changed much over college. I frowned as I witnessed my friends changing, particularly when they joined the Greek system, and I sighed and told myself that I was above all of that.

It's so easy to pretend you're better than everybody else.


Truthfully. Honestly? College has changed me, and not in a good way. That's not to say that I am overall a worse person now than I was a year and a half ago, but I definitely have to say that overall, I am less happy, in general and with myself. At home, having lived in the same place for 15 years, I was never at a loss for good friends. I always had one person I could talk to about anything, and if I wanted somebody to eat with there was always someone willing to come with. Friends at home understand the entire process of why I am the way I am, because they were there with me when everything happened. They know what to say or what to do to cheer me up, when I am feeling insecure they know how to reassure me. I forgot that these people are hard to come by...I forgot that it's not normal to just click with everybody you meet, and there are so many different types of people that it takes some serious searching to find those that honestly deserve to and are willing to be by your side. But I digress. This is not something that I can overcome with sheer will...This is an issue to be worked on slowly, over time. But I do miss my friends from home.

The real thing that's bothering me is the coastal difference in humor. At home, humor is based on witty puns, on chill jokes and random bizarre things that everybody finds funny. On the east coast, or maybe it's just Boston College, it's based on making fun of everybody else. When I first got here, I was surprised and sometimes offended by the jokes people made. My mind wasn't used to thinking quickly, to jabbing outwards as fast as possible to deflect any jokes made in my direction onto others. Fast forward to a year and a half later. When I hang out in groups, it's all about the insults. It's about who can be wittier, but at the expense of others. My mental censor is almost nonexistent now, and acidic comments drop from my tongue faster than I can realize I've made them. Even though I can say that I wasn't like this before college, that my friends are sucking me into the neverending circle of ridicule, I can't blame my friends for this...You always have a choice!


Sometimes, after I've made a particularly mean comment, something inside me screams "This isn't me!!!" I never said that I couldn't keep up, but I don't want to anymore. I think this is my number one goal for the year. Yes, it's going to be hard keeping my mouth shut when people fling joking (or is it?) insults my way. Yes, it's going to be hard pulling myself out of the circle of revenge that has somehow developed among my friends. Yes, it's going to be hard pushing against change. But I'm tired of constantly being on edge, waiting for the next time I have to throw myself against others. I miss having a real loving bond with my friends, one that isn't overshadowed by how mean we are to each other on a day to day basis. I like taking care of my friends and making them happy, not putting them down. Ha-ha so funny...seems like my two problems might be connected.




So yeah. I'm sorry to the innocent bystanders that I have probably hurt (mostly my friends from home), but I'm working on it. I don't want to be mean anymore :(