For the Mr. Kites

Wow, I really dropped the ball on this thing huh? I haven't written in a month and a half, probably a record or something for me haha. I guess nothing really grabs me anymore; no finals or essays to procrastinate. Also, I think of bunches of things to write about but don't feel that I can really do the topic justice, and then while I think about it the moment passes and I don't really feel like writing about it anymore. That and I haven't really been near a computer for the past month or so.

On one hand, I guess this means I'm too busy living my life to actually write about it, which I suppose is a good thing. And I tend to write when I'm in deep contemplation or just not too happy, and it's safe to say that the past month and a half I have been pretty content with my life - another good thing! On the other hand, I guess I do miss writing kind of, maybe. Debating switching to tumblr so I can repost things and upload some songs that I love and what not, but we'll see. I kind of have a soft spot for Blogger...we've been through a lot.



Let's see, my life in the past month or two in a nutshell: Done with half of college, okay grades, a lot of packing/unpacking/repacking, BC graduation (really depressing), my sister graduated from Brown, dog got hit by a car (but is okay! just stitches thankfully), moved to a new house in Los Altos, now in Taiwan until Friday. Plans for summer are a part time internship, lots of chilling, hopefully a part time job too.

Not much to say, life is good.

I've been filling out a ridiculous number of applications recently, trying to decide my future or something like that. Plans for this summer and next school year are so tentative right now, but I'm excited nonetheless. I'm finally pulling out of this strange funk (seasonal depression?) that I've been in for the past month or so and I'm getting back that old drive to accomplish great things. However, this means that I'm a little short on time... But better short on time than long I suppose! :)


In other news, it's finally getting warmer!! It was 90 here yesterday...HOW RIDICULOUS IS THAT? People keep remarking that I am suddenly so tan...just from sitting outside for a couple of hours :) AWESOME.

Sometimes, I get so ambitious, or I want something so bad, that I can't fall asleep because I want it so much. Usually when this happens I get up and try to be productive, because I'm clearly not sleeping.


I have such big dreams, I'm so scared that I don't have the drive to actually accomplish them all. I'm trying so hard to prove myself wrong....WORK MODE ON!!!

I'm not too sure how I feel being back at school. I came back semi-optimistically, not with the full joy and determination of a brand new school year, but with some enthusiasm at least. I wanted to keep my grades up and not disappoint anybody, but since I've been back it's safe to say that this beginning-of-the-semester rush has all but faded away.

The way I describe it is that I am quite overwhelmed, and in the same vein, incredibly homesick. I'm so busy at school, I rarely have more than a one hour period to myself and the never-ending flow of meetings, schoolwork, class, and obligations is crushing. Now this wouldn't be too bad either, I suppose, if I wasn't feeling utterly disconnected from my social life at school too. It's hard switching back into East Coast mode and I just don't really feel up to sharpening my wits and flexing my vocal chords so that I can keep up mentally and volume-wise with the rest of my friends. Spoiled in California, I guess.

At least the classes I am taking are getting interesting. In my theology class this past week we've been discussing the concepts of loneliness versus solitude. According to our book, when you are lonely you are viewing others through a lens of your own needs, and you objectify them as solutions to your own problems. However, because only you have the solution, when the people around us inevitably disappoint us we become even more unhappy, thereby demanding even more and etc. Solitude, on the other hand, is a state in which you are in touch with the very ground of your being, when you finally stop demanding answers and listen to your questions. Because, as the book puts it, the questions are a product of your true being and "what is going on in your innermost being is worthy of your whole love".



Interesting.


I guess all that it really comes down to is learning to love yourself. For after all, it is this solitude of the heart that enables you to love and connect to others fully, without any of your own reactions or needs blurring the view. When we think about it, our crying needs in loneliness are really pointing us towards the peace of solitude, if only we take the time to stop and listen.

On a similar note, I attended an event yesterday night thrown by SASA (South Asian Students' Organization) called Happiness and the Spirit of Inclusion: Wisdom From the Orient. They had a speaker, Shri Ramanujamji, who basically said the same thing as my book but not framed in a religious context. We see the world not as things are, but as we are. Happiness is a choice, he said, because of our human ability to respond, versus react. Happiness is the state of a quiet mind, neither restless nor mindless. As he pointed out, if you think back to a moment when you were truly happy, you weren't really thinking about anything at all. He was a good speaker, it was a good event, and I left feeling a lot more peaceful and satisfied with an otherwise distressing week. Props, SASA.



So my conclusion from all this is that I need to take some time to find my solitude. I don't want to drink because I'm lonely, or bored, and certainly not as a solution. I'm tired of waking up the next day too hungover to move and stuck with the dumb or out-of-character things I did the night before. I don't remember how to make myself happy anymore and it's really taking a toll on my mental state. So despite the fact that I may have to put my summer plans on hold , and despite the fact that this is going to mean a lot more alone time in my room, this is something I really need to do. I've always said that if you have a problem with something then there's no use in whining about it, just do something about it! And it's high time I took my own advice. So you'll have to excuse me friends, when I decline to grab lunch or dinner with you, or if I simply disappear from social settings. Hopefully when I reemerge I will know what I want to do and I will have a better idea of who I am. I want to love myself and be happy most of the time (if not all), not just some of the time, and this is something I am demanding from myself and that I definitely will not get from others.


Updates to come....A long journey is ahead.

So finals week is finally over and after 2 canceled flights I am finally sitting in front of terminal E1B at Logan airport. Stuff has been kind of crazy lately, especially with the blizzard that descended upon the Northeast this weekend. Boston got 12 inches!!!! And it was relatively mild in our section!! I have to say though, I love waking up the next morning and seeing everything covered in white :)

It's kind of crazy how this semester is over. I know, you UC kids have been home for well over a week and I'm a little late to join you all, but it still hasn't hit me yet!! I wasn't really sure what to expect coming into my sophomore year at BC, and I'm still not entirely sure how I feel about it. This semester was extremely up and down, but I don't think I can just attribute it to sophomore slump. I feel like I am in a very transitional stage of my life. I'm slowly starting to figure out what I want to do with myself (very...very slowly...) and what is really important to me. I'm starting to pull away from this concept of home, but at the same time I don't love BC. Of course, I miss home and I generally enjoy my time at BC, but I feel like at the moment I'm caught in the middle, not sure where I really want to be anymore. I don't know.

I'm just kind of confused about almost every part of my life right (minus academics I guess?), so I think it's time to do a little soul searching this month. I'm blindly groping my way through life, but I feel like the more time that passes the clearer things get. I want to choose my own adventure, I want to define my own path. I don't know where I'm going to end up, but I have to say that I'm extremely excited for what's in store.



Things I want to do this break:
-cook more
-run
-dance
-read
-draw
-make money??
-find more interesting things to do in cupertino

Last year, during most of my many reflections on my college experience, I used to tell myself and others that I didn't think I'd changed much over college. I frowned as I witnessed my friends changing, particularly when they joined the Greek system, and I sighed and told myself that I was above all of that.

It's so easy to pretend you're better than everybody else.


Truthfully. Honestly? College has changed me, and not in a good way. That's not to say that I am overall a worse person now than I was a year and a half ago, but I definitely have to say that overall, I am less happy, in general and with myself. At home, having lived in the same place for 15 years, I was never at a loss for good friends. I always had one person I could talk to about anything, and if I wanted somebody to eat with there was always someone willing to come with. Friends at home understand the entire process of why I am the way I am, because they were there with me when everything happened. They know what to say or what to do to cheer me up, when I am feeling insecure they know how to reassure me. I forgot that these people are hard to come by...I forgot that it's not normal to just click with everybody you meet, and there are so many different types of people that it takes some serious searching to find those that honestly deserve to and are willing to be by your side. But I digress. This is not something that I can overcome with sheer will...This is an issue to be worked on slowly, over time. But I do miss my friends from home.

The real thing that's bothering me is the coastal difference in humor. At home, humor is based on witty puns, on chill jokes and random bizarre things that everybody finds funny. On the east coast, or maybe it's just Boston College, it's based on making fun of everybody else. When I first got here, I was surprised and sometimes offended by the jokes people made. My mind wasn't used to thinking quickly, to jabbing outwards as fast as possible to deflect any jokes made in my direction onto others. Fast forward to a year and a half later. When I hang out in groups, it's all about the insults. It's about who can be wittier, but at the expense of others. My mental censor is almost nonexistent now, and acidic comments drop from my tongue faster than I can realize I've made them. Even though I can say that I wasn't like this before college, that my friends are sucking me into the neverending circle of ridicule, I can't blame my friends for this...You always have a choice!


Sometimes, after I've made a particularly mean comment, something inside me screams "This isn't me!!!" I never said that I couldn't keep up, but I don't want to anymore. I think this is my number one goal for the year. Yes, it's going to be hard keeping my mouth shut when people fling joking (or is it?) insults my way. Yes, it's going to be hard pulling myself out of the circle of revenge that has somehow developed among my friends. Yes, it's going to be hard pushing against change. But I'm tired of constantly being on edge, waiting for the next time I have to throw myself against others. I miss having a real loving bond with my friends, one that isn't overshadowed by how mean we are to each other on a day to day basis. I like taking care of my friends and making them happy, not putting them down. Ha-ha so funny...seems like my two problems might be connected.




So yeah. I'm sorry to the innocent bystanders that I have probably hurt (mostly my friends from home), but I'm working on it. I don't want to be mean anymore :(

I know, it's been forever. My bad. But really, there was nothing that interesting going on. So, now that a lot of kind of interesting things have happened, hopefully i can mash them all together into a semi-interesting point. WOOHOO!

First off, Halloween and my birthday both turned out splendidly, even though they both started off on kind of the wrong foot. I keep telling myself, when things suck the only thing you can do is to do something silly and to make yourself happy...The only person who can always turn things around is yourself! Although really good friends and hot pot and lots of cake help too :) Darn, I also almost escaped getting caked this year, but my friends did not share my sentiments. Overall, a pretty fun 2 weeks.

This blogging once a week thing is a lot harder than it seems haha. Sometimes it's that I have nothing to say, sometimes it's that I don't have the time or the right words to say what I want to say, but I'm trying!

Things are still ridiculously busy, and I don't think I am going to get a break anytime soon. Even the weekends are fraught with performances and meetings, and all free time is devoted to slogging through mounds of work so that I'm not behind the next day or week. I'm not saying that everything I'm doing isn't worth it, but it kind of feels that way. I haven't had a good day to myself for doing nothing in awhile, or even just a few hours of hanging out with a friend with no second agenda (making it out to an event, studying together, etc.) I'm not overloaded, but I feel like I'm right at the tipping point and at any moment I could fall over the other side. I'm trying really hard and succeeding in getting at least 8 hours of sleep a day, attending all the events I can, finishing all my work for the next day early, not procrastinating, and still making time for practice, but I'm scared shitless of the day I can't stay on top of it anymore. The next 3 weeks will include: a trip to New York, my sister visiting, S visiting, multiple CSA and other events, a lot of meetings (with teachers and otherwise), my parents visiting, 2 papers, 3 midterms, 2 tests and 2 quizzes. It looks like Halloween will be the first weekend I can really relax, but not even really...there's a paper due the Thursday after...So maybe my birthday? SORRY, this kind of just turned into a to-do list for the next month, but I need to write it down somewhere haha.



Okay, my brain is really scattered and I can't think of any cohesive idea which would make for a non-boring paragraph, so here is the sum of my thoughts:

• HMMM. Also need to find a Halloween costume....any ideas?? Something not too expensive/hard to put together, preferably :)
• as it turns out, earphones are actually more needed in my daily life than an ipod itself...hopefully I'll get both soon
• I NEED A JOB :(
• It's been kind of hard falling asleep again...I'm not even thinking about anything important, just like dance moves or my outfit the next day....SUCKS.
• I'm actually kind of losing weight this year because I don't have time to eat
• Kleerup ft. Lykke Li- Until We Bleed is my new favorite song...I noticed I have a tendency to like artists out of Sweden
• Being a girl sucks...never know if I'm actually feeling something or if it's just my hormones driving me crazy.

HMMMM. That's about it. Topics for next time: mixing friends with work, being yourself in a new environment. I'm just waiting for time to pass...

"Back to you, it always comes, back to you...Doesn't it scare you, your will is not as strong as it, used to be"

This year, I really tried to develop a gung-ho attitude about life, and so far it's working. Of course I kind of ran out of steam over the weekend and I am definitely still overcome by the urge to just fuck around and do nothing, the fact is I have enough on my plate this year that my guilt and obligations manage to banish the slothiness after a couple hours at the most. Life is almost exactly the way I envisioned it to be this year, minus a job, but it's nice seeing all my plans in effect. Here are a couple of things I've been thinking about the past week...

The Religious Quest has been redefining everything that I thought I knew about buddhism. When I participated in a Buddhist youth group (Tzu-Chi, for all those asians out there who have probably heard of it), we were taught to have compassion and kindness and to help others, supplemented by monthly volunteer service. Of course, elementary school kids could not be expected to grasp the finer points of Buddhism, but growing up if I had to label myself religiously it would always be as a Buddhist. However, the more time that passes since those childhood lessons, the more I have started to question my own beliefs. More recently, the first doctrine of Mahayana Buddhism (similar to Zen Buddhism) is the wisdom of emptiness. Unlike the first form of Buddhism that we studied (Theravada Buddhism), they do not stress the impermanence of all things. Rather, they look past the impermanence of these things to address the fact that the way we perceive things is simply a projection of our own egos/selves, and that everything is a composite of smaller things that are constantly changing, and thus things are not just impermanent, but rather that they do not "exist" as we think of them at all. Confusing, right? I guess I am just not quite ready yet to accept that nothing that we think we know actually exists, because this also somewhat seems to me to mean that there is no purpose to life...which maybe there isn't but if that's true then I'd like to create one. Okay...sorry that was probably confusing.

On a somewhat related note, my health psycholoogy and Buddhism class have strangely been somewhat similar. Buddhism is all about finding your inner tranquility and looking for Nirvana. On the other hand, my cute little health psychology teacher has been discussing how today's society tell us that we CAN have it all, but if we keep trying to take it all we will eventually run our body's into the ground and run out of our élan vital, that is to say our life force. He also stresses the importance of compassion and letting things go, and he begins each class by asking us "What is the meaning of love?". The discussions that ensue are thought-provoking and always applicable to real life...I love this class. Anyway, I was going to write out my entire thought process but more pressing things are calling (first midterm of the year tomorrow! Stats :() so I'll just say this: New motto of the year = address problem, chill out, let it go, and move on HAPPILY :)

Also, on a scarier note, I've started figure out my life (GASP). After being hit with hardcore insomnia last night, I decided that if tossing and turning in bed for two hours wasn't going to let me fall asleep, then maybe getting up and planning out my life would. I talked with a really helpful professor today, and I think as of now I want to continue in my psychology major while minoring in Asian American Studies, hopefully taking writing and art courses on the side and going abroad to Japan next year. If possible/if I get accepted, I'd like to complete the BA/MA program here too, which would also give me a masters after staying at BC for a fifth year.


I keep wanting to write a really lofty metaphorical and symbolic post, but not sure what constitutes as comprehensible, or okay for a public blog lol. However, more to come on my thoughts on mixing friends with work.

[Note: I started this post a week or two ago but I seriously just have never had time to finish it....I'm trying!!!] School has started and things are geting more than a little crazy already. I ended up getting the exact schedule that I wanted so I shouldn't complain, but basically the only things I have time for are work, dance, CSA, and sleep. A quick rundown of what's going on in my life:

Japanese: My teacher is a tiny cute little Asian woman, albeit with ADD and maybe a little crazy. But we like them a little crazy. Lots of friends in the class, I'm really interested in Japanese and I need to practice more so that my characters don't look like random scribbles. I'm excited for this class! I love learning new languages :)

Stats: Yeah...not much to say about this. As much as I like math, stats is something different completely. Our teacher is really enthusiastic and I have a few friends in this class too, so it's not too bad, but then again, it's stats. If I didn't have to take this for my major I definitely wouldn't haha.

Classical Mythology: I absolutely love mythology. One of the first books we had at home when I was young (other than children's picture books and a slew of historical fiction....I know we're strange) was a big blue book on Greek mythology. I never had a chance to fit Mythology into my schedule in high school, so I'm really excited to take it now. Our teacher is really nice and funny and I love her already :) Also, she brings her dog to office hours which is basically awesome. This class is living up to my expectations, and I'm really excited for the rest of the semester...even for the two 6-page papers coming up. Her sample essay topics sound so interesting!

Religious Quest: This was the last class in my schedule to fall in place. BC, being a Jesuit school, has a theology requirement and the Religious Quest sounds like the most interesting. As a comparative theology class, my section is comparing Buddhism (which I really like) and Christianity (which is unavoidable). My teacher is a lama (as in Dalai lama, not the animal like a lot of other people thought) and he really knows what he's talking about, but he kind of has a soothing sleepy voice haha. I really enjoy the content in this class, and the readings are actually stirring deep thinkings regarding my own beliefs in Buddhism, whether or not I agree, and my own interactions with life. More on this later..

Health Psych: Another fun old little man teaching this class. Although I originally wanted to take Adolescent Psychology, apparently that class requires 15 hours of volunteer service a semester and I unfortunately don't have that kind of time this year. I ended up signing up for health psych at the urging of a friend, and seeing as how it first nicely into my schedule and it's about the psychology of stress (something I can use this year), I thought why not. This is actually a really interesting class...the professor works at the Cambridge and MIT medical centers and he supplements his lectures with little anecdotes from his own experiences. The class doesn't even feel like two hours! Again, probably more on this later on in the semester.

CSA: So e-board is off with a bang, and I love it. Again, it helps that I actually enjoy the company of everybody on my board and despite the fact that I see these 8 other people 24/7, I am still not annoyed at anybody. Even though this is sucking all of my time, seeing the results of all of our efforts is so satisfying!!! I guess in the end triapsing all the way to Newton and Upper to knock on the doors of 140 freshmen was totally worth it...even if they thought we were creepy for knowing where they live (WHICH WE'RE NOT...anybody can find where you live by looking on the BC directory :D). And as chaotic as setting up for the first general meeting was, with only 3 members of our eboard available at a time to fry 400 dumpling and carry a billion things to the room as well as the problem with the room rec, so many people turned up and people actually laughed at our really awkward/creepy video, which was extremely gratifying. There's so much going on even within the next month that I am looking forward to, especially finally adding the last 4 members of our e-board, the 4 freshmen reps that we're picking at the end of the month. I'm excited for all that we can accomplish as student leaders and more :)

Conspiracy Theory: I'm trying my best to dance as much as possible, but after the crazyness that was last week along with my newly-lost ipod (FAIL...:( so sad.), I haven't gotten that many chances. Hopefully that will change this week though!! I tend to be in a worse average mood when I'm not dancing, and plus I want to get ridiculous at waacking. There was a jam last weekend on campus which was really fun to watch and just to be there in the vibe with a bunch of dancers. The popping battles were sick, the bboys did unearthly gravtiy-defying tricks and overrall it was a success, even with the minor dramz that went down behind the scenes.


So the first week of school was amazing but the second week so much. Just a slew of bad luck (or bad karma I guess..harhar) that included lots of lost things, immaterial and not, a car crash (everybody involved is okay, but both cars are no longer driveable), getting lost (kind of) and a severe lack of sleep that just made everything that much worse. However, the weekend was mostly fun, and nobody can watch Cirque du Soleil and stay in a bad mood :). Also, Regina Spektor last night was absolutely amazing...she sounds better live than on her CDs (if that was possible) and she's so funny and sweet and slightly awkward.

It's a new week and I'm trying to stay on top of my stuff and keep my head up... Nothing's perfect (definitely including me) and I'm trying hard to fix things. After all, all the effort we put into our relationships with other people and the world shouldn't be for nothing, and nobody should have to go through life alone and disliking where they have ended up. Wish me luck!

Sorry, I know it's been awhile. I haven't posted for several reasons: nothing interesting has happened, I've been somewhat busy saying bye to people, and of course I'm just kind of lazy heh. But with 4 days left until I'm flying back to Boston, I find myself trying to pass the time in any way before I'm back at school. By some strange twist of fate, in such a UC-dominated environment, somehow almost all of my close friends attend semester schools and due to some ticket fiasco, I'm not moving back in BC until 4 days after all of my rest of my friends there. It sucks to be the left behind.

My friends already at school are making a valiant effort to keep in touch I'm sure, but it's not the same. People, including myself, are already slipping back into their school modes and running out of time, conversations end awkwardly and I'm left in little old cupertino missing them while they surely have no time to miss me. Things are changing again and I just can't believe that after fun-filled 4 months I forgot that they would. I know everything will be okay, but I guess I'm just in that awkward limbo state where I'm being left behind but I can't dive head-first into my own busy school life yet either. Darn it, should've bought plane tickets for today instead -_____- I won't be making that mistake twice.

In other news, Hawaii was beautiful and extremely fun. Aside from some minor problems borne out of suddenly spending so much time with the family, it was 6 days full of bliss and beaches. We were on the Big Island this time, which is about the size of Conneticut but only has 300,000 inhabitants compared with 3 million in that East coast state. It is very undeveloped, full of lush tropical jungles and valleys and state-protected spreads of land. We went horseback riding, snorkeling at night with manta rays, on a helicopter ride around the island and up the tallest mountain in the world, Mauna Kea, the big island's resident largest volcano. Mauna Kea is the world's best side for stargazing, and I have seriously never seen so many stars before. There seemed to be more stars than sky, and the Milky Way and Jupiter were clearly in the sky. Breathtaking...I love stars. Snorkeling with manta rays at night was also amazing. We rode out on a boat at sunset to some bay unreachable by land, and there were huge lights in the ocean put there to attract plankton, which in turn attracted manta rays. These things were 16 feet across, almost bigger than our boat, doing flips and feeding on plankton maybe a foot below us. Some snorkelers even accidentally kicked them while paddling in the water (:(!!!!) Although the first sighting is a little terrifying with their size and their giant gaping mouths coming at you and whatnot, after the initial shock its nice to just float there and appreciate these giant creatures for what they are. Underwater pictures are to be developed...to be seen on my facebook!


An update on my culinary adventures....recently I attempted a cheesecake topped with a strawberry glaze and fresh strawberries. I am quite pleased to say that it was a huge success. My dad, the cheesecake lover and the reason I made it, highly approved. My mom loved the crust and even my sister, who doesn't really like cheesecake, was wishing there was still a piece left a couple nights later when she was looking for snacks...heh. My friends also highly enjoyed it when I brought it to a gathering...What should i cook next!??!

Also, for the first time in my entire 18 almost 19 years of life, I got a bad haircut. Okay, a couple hours after the matter it's not THAT bad...in fact I think I'd be completely fine with it if my bangs were past my eyebrows, but alas it is not to be sigh. Before, I could not even come close to understanding girls who cry after a haircut, but now I empathize at least. SIGHHH. I guess it was coming sometime, but I was hoping my luck would hold out...my entire life LOL. Ahh welll....good thing my hair grows super fast...things should be okay in a week or two I hope!

HMMMM. Not much left to say, I need to dance and pack and go back to school! And also, I have fallen in loooove with Little Boots. Her electropop is fantastic.

So back in little old Cupertino, and enjoying the beautiful sunny days...Sorry East Coast I had to take the sun back with me :P The last week of my vacation was quite eventful...I resolved some blaring issues, spent a good deal of money and visited my sister for the first time in Providence, as well as taking my first trip to the Hamptons where her friend had a lake house. First off, Montauk is breathtakingly beautiful....unfortunately I forgot my camera in Boston during our time at the lake and thus have no pictures of my own, but here are some stolen from my sister :)


The view from my window when I woke up every morning

We ended up taking two ferries and a bus back to Providence which was a little more expensive, but after our trip to Montauk I can definitely say I hate Greyhound, so it was totally worth it. Plus, the ferries stopped at more amazing islands and ports such as Block Island...Picture below


Gorgeous!! I definitely want to come back here to vacation some day and rent mopeds :)

I was talking about this with my sister on our enjoyable boat ride, but after coming to the East Coast I can really understand how some of my friends say they would never want to live anywhere else. Who can deny the allure of summer beach houses in the Hamptons and ski cabins in Vermont and the like? California is wonderfully lazy and chill in it's own right, but while I'm young and able-bodied I definitely want to travel and live somewhere a little more fast-paced..aka the East Coast. I really do love the city of Boston now, and I can see myself staying around for at least a couple of years after I graduate.

Also, after visiting the East Coast I have been invigorated by the ultimate desire to do a lot of things, including to learn how to cook, and cook well. Regardless of the fact that I won't have a kitchen next year, I believe this is a useful (and if I might say, quite impressive) skill...Also I've always loved to bake and cook breakfast, as long as I had the time. I have decided to expand my repertoire to include a wide variety of dishes :) I figured out a new delicious breakfast sandwich, and also cooked dinner for my family which was quite a success as well. I'm so pleased with the results!! More pictures are on my facebook, if you care to see, but here is my favorite dish from the night...Beef & tofu lettuce cups:


YUMMMMMMMMMMMM.

Next up on my list of things to cook are cheesecake and white sauce/seafood pastas for my Dad hehe. The problem with cooking is I guess mainly finding somebody to eat my food haha....I have a small stomach, unfortunately. Another thing I want to change is my waking up at 2 PM everyday. I am fully utilizing my 3 hour jetlag to get up before 10:30 everyday and so far it's kind of working...I now have time to make breakfast as well as be productive and such :)

Also, started dancing again...Class yesterday was a little disappointing, as it was my 3rd failed attempt at taking class with a certain teacher and hip hop was also a little lacking. I guess for hip hop you really need to go to the big urban cities to get the full experience? After taking class in New York and watching everybody in Boston, hip hop class in a little town doesn't seem that exciting haha. I might start driving up to SF to take class from Funkonometry or what not, but I guess we'll see how that goes. I realized that I really do want to keep dancing...maybe even after college? I'm thinking about joining a company or a dance group...contemporary or hip hop are both fine with me, as well as getting more involved with Conspiracy/Bulletproof Theory (BC's bboy crew...although I'm waacking it's still the same group :P) while I'm still in school. All I need is time!!! hahah

I guess one of the reasons that I've been thinking so far ahead about so many things I want to accomplish is because my all of my friends who just graduated are getting their lives sorted out, and in a sense are finally starting real life. They are all amazing interesting people who are doing amazing interesting things despite whatever their majors are. This ranges from cooking school to completing their master's on a full scholarship at one of the best universities in China to going full time as a photographer or getting into Parson's....basically they are all accomplishing the things they wanted to do and succeeding while still managing to do the things that they love. I can only hope that in 3 years when I am in their shoes I have achieved half of the things that they have.

In other less happy news, I've been feeling kind of down for multiple reasons which I wish I could write about, but can't due to various reasons. Things are changing in a lot of ways....The ones that are going in the direction I want still make me sad when I think about how nothing is the same, and the ones that aren't upset me even more. Why is it that even when we get what we want we still feel pangs of nostalgia, so that despite the fact that we won, we still aren't happy? This isn't the first time I've felt like this, and neither will it be the last, but I wish it would stop happening. Just being selfish, I suppose.

Enough with the pity party, apparently my blog is too emo harhar. Lots of fun things planned in the month before summer ends....Lots of people's birthdays, catching up with people I haven't seen in FOREVER, MAYBE skydiving on Sunday, staying with D in SF for a night, K is coming to visit me beginning of August, and then trip to Hawaii with the fam. Time is FLYING by!!

A lot of things on my mind recently....I'm back in Boston for a couple of days and everybody around me is studying for something (MCATs, LSATs, etc.) and I'm feeling pretty unproductive around them, so I suppose I'll blog and feel mildly intelligent for a bit. Topics I want to cover: passive aggression, the downside of living on two coasts, thoughts about next year.

Okay so we decided to go watch Bruno on my last night in New York (how did I get tricked into doing this...I have no idea) and the theater was huge, with nice comfy seats that kinda bounced and sank down when you sat down in them. When I sat down the rather overweight lady behind me starting complaining about how my seat hit her knees but seeing as how I couldn't really do anything about it except not sit there, I didn't say anything. Throughout the movie she kept kicking the back of my chair in bursts, which I naturally assumed was an accident, but towards the end, when there were maybe 10 minutes left, she abruptly swore and leaned forward and angrily asked me to put my feet down, which of course I did promptly. I guess maybe my feet were blocking her view? I'm still not quite sure, maybe she just really dislikes people who put there feet up. But seriously, what a display of passive aggression...so ridiculous. I really don't understand why she didn't just ask me to put my feet down to begin with?? I don't know I can't say that I'm a very passive aggressive person, so maybe it's just really satisfying to kick seats instead of watching a movie in peace? But yeah...people are strange.

So just when I thought that I was making life on two coasts make sense, not so much. This weekend there were a ridiculous number of things going on...obviously I could only pick one thing to do, and it turned out very very fun :) Unexpected fun is so fun!!! And so satisfying. And also no hangover a bowl of pho the next day won't cure heh. I had a fantastic time, and yet when I hear about all the shenanigans my friends at home are getting into, I wish I was there too...I feel like I am doomed to this feeling of always missing out on something. I hope that this feeling goes away, because it would really suck to be forever dissatisfied with what I have. But I'm not!! I'm not dissatisfied!! How to stop *________*

Hanging out with BC people again, I am getting super super excited for the upcoming school year. As I read on her blog, C definitely had it right. Freshman year was too ridiculous and I felt all over the place...sophomore year I know what I want to do and I know what I have to do to achieve those goals, and I am SO EXCITED!! Now it's just a matter of time...I have culture show to think about, school, I'm researching in a psych lab, and I'm thinking about either joining a dance group or getting a job. Unfortunately, I do have to pick :/ I wish I could do both!!


Okay, running out of things to say. Everybody is studying so hard :X and I'm just waiting for the pizza to get here hehe. One last thing...I LOVE 80s MUSIC.

So coming home, I knew I had 4 long months ahead of me, filled with nothing to do except a trip here or there and maybe a job. SO, I've set my mind to being productive this summer. After giving myself a week or two to do absolutely nothing, I've been trying to set my plan into motion this summer. So far I think I'm succeeding!! I've made a trip to the library (and started reading for leisure again..something I sorely miss), gone biking with friends, gone running, started working, and started singing again. Now I just need to keep these things going and start dancing and writing again too and I'll be all set. Accomplishing things makes me more satisfied than anything :)

I don't know what it is, but this summer I've been gravitating more towards simple pleasures. Sure, I still have the urge to get trashed and have drunken adventures, but for some reason it's just not the same as those booze-filled nights in college. Maybe it's because I got written up, maybe it's being I got tired of being hungover until 9 PM the next day, but whatever the reason I'm not complaining. Good wholesome fun might be hard to find, but it's there. When did we forget??

Life feels like one great circle. Like I was talking to A about, we had our happy childhoods, and then that age where everything was immature and the dumbest things were hilarious (YO MOMMA), and then all of a sudden we had to grow up. We tried so hard to be too cool and too popular for that stupid stuff, and pretended to be mature and sexy and classy. And finally, now that we've grown up, I've realized that the stupid shit IS funny. It doesn't matter anymore who was popular and attractive in high school, the world is so much bigger than our home towns that honestly, we can do whatever the fuck we want (superhero nerd anyone?) and there will be a group of friends waiting for us out there who love doing the exact same things. That's-what-she-said jokes are hilarious again, and I love it. Maybe when we're senile, we'll be just as happy as when we were kids.

I don't know how or when I first thought of this theory, but this is the first time it's really been a concrete idea (oxymoron!) to me, much less said anything about it. When we are kids, we view the entire world in wonder, and therefore are extremely easily amused. This persists until we get to the age where we THINK we know everything, but what's wrong with being easily amused?? For one thing, life is much more fun, and the world retains a sort of mystical sense that I am completely okay with. Why take away your own excitement??

When did we forget this?? When did we move away from creating our own fun to turn towards alcohol, sex, and drugs?? If that was called growing up, then I'm ready to grow down again. Suddenly, those things that had entertained me so much during high school and my freshmen year of college are unappealing. I want to play in the sun, go biking and running, shoot hoops with friends and roll around in the grass. Dressing up is fun, but my outfit of choice recently has been a comfortable plain tank or tee and running shorts....so comfortable :) I want to do things like get ice cream and watch UP (which by the way was fantastic...more on that later) and play with my dog. I love giving myself so much to look forward too...I am very excited for the rest of summer <3

Also, on a more random note, I didn't realize this until lately but somehow, I follow sports now. It started with college football, most obviously since I now have a stake in a team (my own hehe), and then I found myself watching the world series online as I did my homework and secretly snickering when the Red Sox lost (DON'T KILL ME). Then basketball summer, and I found myself tuning into every game of the playoffs and being disappointed if I had to leave before the end of the game. Somehow, I now watch sports. WTF? Who would've thought?? I have to say though, the playoffs were rather disappointing. First of all, Celtics weren't even in, Lakers won, and then the Cavaliers disappointed me. SIGH. Should I even bother watching the finals?!?!? I guess if anything, I'm rooting for the Magics. I'm even starting to pick my favorite teams and players...hehe. What a most interesting development!!!

I finally watched Up last night after failing once before (sold out...) and it far exceeded my already high expectations. I don't know how Pixar does it, but they have yet to disappoint me. Their awesome computer graphics skill combined with the classic Disney life lessons hidden in a heart-wrenching but humorous movie left me wanting to watch it just one more time. Although it was a little more adult than I would expect from a Disney movie, that just made it all the better I think. Disney/Pixar's attention to even the smallest details show through, and the care they took in creating this amazing movie certainly paid off. I highly recommend this to anybody and everybody, regardless of age or gender or anything else. Guys, go watch it with a girl and pretend they made you go with them. It is seriously that worth it. I know I'll be buying the DVD for this film the moment it hits the shelves.



Until next time!! Think about growing down :)

I am sorry my lovelies, I am long past overdue for an update. It's been a hectice 21 days since I last posted, so please bear with me as I recount my adventures :) Those that I can remember, that is. Hmmm just so I don't forget, here's a list of things I want to write about this time.

1. Finals/Academics
2. Senior Week/Graduation
3. Being a kid
4. Coming home

Hmm..on second thought I don't know if I'm going to finish this in one sitting. Heheh...may be to be continued :)

So first of all, I pretty much got owned by all my classes this semester. 2 classes that I thought I was doing okay in (as in, could get an A-) were informally curved, and I ended up with a B in both classes. Fail. I also definitely should've gone to class more and studied more...but now I know right?? On the bright side, I'm really glad I am currently majoring in psychology...I'm already a step ahead of a lot of my friends who picked premed or business or econ and are finding out that they absolutely hate the stuff and are now considering psychology and etc. Yay for me :) And I really do find the material super interesting and reading the textbooks goes a lot more quickly than say, history. I hate history. On another bright side I am done with history and math FOREVERR....minus having to take stats for psych next year. But that's a different story :)

So I decided to stay for senior week and graduation, so although my last final was on the 11th, I didn't land in SFO until the 19th. I'm really glad I stayed-I became really close to quite a few of the seniors, and I'm glad I got to spend as much time as possible with them before they disappear forever into the real world (harhar). I went to my friend's art show, watched STAR TREK (which is amazing by the way...watching it again with my family soon ^____^), had dinner with a very interesting professor (???), got lots of food, played lots of pong. Below is my favorite painting from the show, my friend's painting of me, and another painting he did that I love :)







So basically second semester, I pretty much decided to just say FUCK IT to everything, and for once I acted completely my age. I started drinking and partying a lot, and looking back now I know it got a bit (maybe more than a bit) out of hand. My academics suffered, my body suffered (sorry body!!) and I'm lucky that I never did anything really stupid that I couldn't fix or that I really regretted. I got written up on basically the last day of school (THAT WOULD HAPPEN TO ME -_______-) and I've promised my mom that I wouldn't drink hard A since....not that I'm not down for beer pong though :) However, I have to say it felt good just not giving a crap and not having to be the responsible one, for once. 2nd semester was a good release, but I don't think I'll be repeating it anytime soon. My liver needs to recover anyway :)

So I got really attached to Boston in the last 2 or 3 weeks of being there, and I did really miss it the first couple days I was back. I'm lucky though, since a lot of my friends are also in semester schools or still around, so I still have people to hang out with. I'm eagerly awaiting the return of my quarter-system friends though...I'm excited to see everybody! I'm going to be around Cupertino for most of summer, minus from June 30th to July 20th when I'm heading to the East Coast (Boston, New York, Providence!), going back to work at Froyo? :) So let's hang out!!!


A more introspective post to come...I have a lot of things on my mind lately, unfortunately. Summer should be carefree!!! At the very least, it is fun :)

I don't know what's going on anymore. Everytime I think I have a hold of life, I lose it...or maybe I just never had it to begin with. I'm so tired of watching people cry.



On a brighter note, Wolverine is an awesome movie. I didn't expect it to be a love story, but the fact that it was might have made it better..kinda? GO SEE iT....def worth the $11 or $9, depending on which coast you're reading this from.














I miss home, and my family. SIGH.

Now that it is once again Tuesday at 12 PM, that means it is time to completely disregard everything my psych teacher is saying to blog :) Don't worry, I actually have an idea of what to blog about this time...It won't just be my brain throwing up onto my keyboard. Pleasant, right?

So this is something I've noticed before, but didn't really contemplate as much until recently. I realized that while I now feel like a college student, I don't feel like a Boston College student. After getting involved with the culture clubs, and hence the Asian community here at BC, I feel like I don't go to Boston College the school, but rather that I attend a small Asian subset of the university. When I walk around campus, or walk into cafeterias, I automatically scan for Asians because it is highly likely that I will know them, either personally or just by face. On the other hand, at non-Asian events I have begun to keep to myself, because it is so much more likely that I don't know anybody at all.

This is not necessarily a bad thing. Being a part of the Asian community here has expanded my networks by a lot, in a way that I rather appreciate. I have met a lot of people that I would've never interacted with otherwise, and my friends are no longer limited to freshmen. There is always something to do, not just on the weekends but on the weekdays as well. There is always somebody who wants to grab lunch or dinner, or head to the gym, or just hang out for a couple of hours. If I can't sleep at night or am still awake at 5 in the morning due to some ill planning on my part, there is always somebody else awake (Apparently, Asians just don't sleep. I thought this was limited to MV, but BC has proven it correct as well haha). I guess it just feels nice to actually belong to some sort of community, to know that there are so many people I could ask for help.

On the other hand, the fact that there is always something to do is affecting the other groups of people or areas in my life. I have not spent quality time with my floormates in forever, and I miss them. I'm losing touch with friends I made first semester, even the people I've met this semester. The constant requests for time are so enticing that my work is more and more often being left undone, and my classes more and more often left unattended. My grades aren't suffering that badly though, which is probably encouraging my behavior in some sense. In fact, I'm even kind of doing better in some classes...how peculiar.

I guess that I'm still just looking for that balance that so often eludes me. Something to keep in mind I suppose...



Today is St. Patrick's Day, and the fact that I attend an Irish-Catholic school has never been more obvious. Everbody is wearing green, and some people have been drunk since last Thursday. I'm attending a club event for my friend's company party, so that should be pretty fun/exciting. It is open bar after all :P

I am so tired all the time. Even laying in bed all day for 2 days in a row has not been enough to replenish my energy...Must fix problem now. At least it's been nice outside, nice for Boston as in above 35 degrees. Tomorrow is even going to be 56 degrees...how exciting!!

So spring break was pretty much amazing, despite all the time I spent travelling instead of chilling with my friends haha. Even though nobody else was home, I still had plenty to do in cute little Cupertino...bowling, shopping, the obligatory verde run, lots of eating :) I also got my lip pierced!!! Pictures on my facebook, don't think it'd be a good idea to put a picture of me on a public blog, hehe. To answer the usual questions, it actually didn't hurt that much to get it pierced...A really uncomfortable pinch haha and then my body kind of numbed the area in defense. The healing process actually sucked more, especially since I ate spicy food once or twice so I swelled like crazy and it was just really sore and uncomfortable for a really long time haha. However, a week and 2 days later it is healing rather well, minus the itchy scab stage haha.

So anyway, after spending a couple days in norcal I began my tour of socal in an effort to see as many people as possible haha. Started off flying down to San Diego, staying with A & L, which was very fun :) The beach is amazing, La Jolla Shores is absolutely gorgeous. Will upload pictures soon hehe. Then took Amtrak to UCLA to stay with N, whom I miss dearly <3 Then off to USC to see A & G. First off, it's so interesting to think about how we all think we know what college life is like...but in reality, each campus is so different that honestly, we have no idea how it is at every other school.

First off, socal campuses are GORGEOUS. There are actually people wandering around and hanging outdoors on campus and such..it's amazing that it's actually warm enough to consider such a thing haha. The palm trees are nice, and the weather is fantastic too. And I just realized how FREAKING SMALL the dorm rooms at Boston College are!!! I'm actually kind of bitter, I'm not gonna lie haha. The forced triples at UCSD are as big as the regular triples here...So sad haha. Also, frat row on USC is pretty impressive....I guess it's a pretty definining characteristic of the school, but I'm still kind of glad BC doesn't have a greek system haha. I'd have a lot less friends ahha.

Also, cabs suck. I spent almost $200 on cab fares this week and travel just fails in general. I pre-ordered a shuttle on sunday morning from USC to the airport, and it never showed...so after half an hour of waiting and then being put on hold for like 20 minutes after which they tell me my driver isn't picking up, I order a cab from a second company, which is then sent to COURTLAND street, instead of PORTLAND street. I hate my life. And there was only one security line at the airport so it was ridiculously slow, and I was legit the last one onto my flight. I ran onto my flight at 11:30, it was scheduled to leave at 11:30. They were closing the doors as I was running for it, and I got all the dirty looks from the airline staff and all the other passengers as I shamefully made my way down the aisle as that "last person" on the plane. SIGH.


I feel really all over the place, life since coming back to BC has been pretty...interesting to say the least haha. I have no cohesive thoughtful insights to share with you all...or rather I do, but none that I an form at the moment. Probably something to do with me being dizzy and sick...will update when I feel better haha.

An interesting thought..

Today at a party that G took me too, we were talking with some of her friends. One of the guys, C said that he had applied to Berkeley but didn't like it because they were very close-minded. The NorCal-ians of the group disagreed immediately, and discussion ensued. One girl said, "I feel like if you're liberal at all then you'll fit in at Berkeley", to which the guy responded, "But what if you're not?"

"Isn't that being close-minded then?"





What an interesting thought. I think I agree with the boy....Berkeley is more accurately liberal, not open. Thoughts anyone?