I'm not too sure how I feel being back at school. I came back semi-optimistically, not with the full joy and determination of a brand new school year, but with some enthusiasm at least. I wanted to keep my grades up and not disappoint anybody, but since I've been back it's safe to say that this beginning-of-the-semester rush has all but faded away.
The way I describe it is that I am quite overwhelmed, and in the same vein, incredibly homesick. I'm so busy at school, I rarely have more than a one hour period to myself and the never-ending flow of meetings, schoolwork, class, and obligations is crushing. Now this wouldn't be too bad either, I suppose, if I wasn't feeling utterly disconnected from my social life at school too. It's hard switching back into East Coast mode and I just don't really feel up to sharpening my wits and flexing my vocal chords so that I can keep up mentally and volume-wise with the rest of my friends. Spoiled in California, I guess.
At least the classes I am taking are getting interesting. In my theology class this past week we've been discussing the concepts of loneliness versus solitude. According to our book, when you are lonely you are viewing others through a lens of your own needs, and you objectify them as solutions to your own problems. However, because only you have the solution, when the people around us inevitably disappoint us we become even more unhappy, thereby demanding even more and etc. Solitude, on the other hand, is a state in which you are in touch with the very ground of your being, when you finally stop demanding answers and listen to your questions. Because, as the book puts it, the questions are a product of your true being and "what is going on in your innermost being is worthy of your whole love".
Interesting.
I guess all that it really comes down to is learning to love yourself. For after all, it is this solitude of the heart that enables you to love and connect to others fully, without any of your own reactions or needs blurring the view. When we think about it, our crying needs in loneliness are really pointing us towards the peace of solitude, if only we take the time to stop and listen.
On a similar note, I attended an event yesterday night thrown by SASA (South Asian Students' Organization) called Happiness and the Spirit of Inclusion: Wisdom From the Orient. They had a speaker, Shri Ramanujamji, who basically said the same thing as my book but not framed in a religious context. We see the world not as things are, but as we are. Happiness is a choice, he said, because of our human ability to respond, versus react. Happiness is the state of a quiet mind, neither restless nor mindless. As he pointed out, if you think back to a moment when you were truly happy, you weren't really thinking about anything at all. He was a good speaker, it was a good event, and I left feeling a lot more peaceful and satisfied with an otherwise distressing week. Props, SASA.
So my conclusion from all this is that I need to take some time to find my solitude. I don't want to drink because I'm lonely, or bored, and certainly not as a solution. I'm tired of waking up the next day too hungover to move and stuck with the dumb or out-of-character things I did the night before. I don't remember how to make myself happy anymore and it's really taking a toll on my mental state. So despite the fact that I may have to put my summer plans on hold , and despite the fact that this is going to mean a lot more alone time in my room, this is something I really need to do. I've always said that if you have a problem with something then there's no use in whining about it, just do something about it! And it's high time I took my own advice. So you'll have to excuse me friends, when I decline to grab lunch or dinner with you, or if I simply disappear from social settings. Hopefully when I reemerge I will know what I want to do and I will have a better idea of who I am. I want to love myself and be happy most of the time (if not all), not just some of the time, and this is something I am demanding from myself and that I definitely will not get from others.
Updates to come....A long journey is ahead.
Isn't this the most relaxing picture ever?
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