For the Mr. Kites

Sitting at my dining room table again, my suitcase packed and the house emptied of my belongings. I'm not entirely sure of how I feel about leaving, as I never quite want to leave where I am. While this might be a good thing, it makes goodbyes a lot harder.

This break was completely unexpected. Not to say I wasn't expecting a month of sleeping in, a glorious month of almost zero obligations and 60 degree weather, but I was more surprised by the fact that coming home has put things into perspective for me. I'm not quite sure why I didn't expect this, as I surely know that being home has a tendency to remind me of certain things. Suddenly, all the things that I thought I had figured out unfigured themselves again, and I was left with a heap of tangled multicolored strings, unsure of which one to follow and completely lacking even the most basic notion of how to begin to untangle them.

At the beginning of the semester, and even at the end, I had been so driven to accomplish a set of goals that I knew I wanted to complete. I have always been a bit of a control freak, and I often daydream by planning out my future, near or far. Majoring in Psychology and minoring in Asian American Studies, I was going to Taiwan over summer for an intensive Chinese program and then hopping on right over to Tokyo to study abroad for the fall semester. When I got back I would somehow sing/dance for 2nd semester, and maybe run for CSA e-board again senior year. After I graduated I would work around Boston, maybe in a hospital, for around 2 years and then go back to school for either a masters or Ph.d. For an even bigger picture, I would work on the east coast for a while, travel, and eventually settle down somewhere in the California Bay Area to grow old.

This is crazy right? I have a vague outline of my life from now until I am 30 something, but the end of this semester as well as my return home brought me more than just a bit of dissatisfaction with this master plan. What about singing? What about dancing? What about my love for all things creative? Growing up, I had assumed that while I loved these things, they were also things that I would leave behind in high school, with perhaps a side project blooming in adulthood to satisfy any residual passions. Do well in high school, go to a good college, get a career that works in an office of some type (gray cubicle not included) and makes a decent amount of money. When I entered college, I halfheartedly searched for opportunities to continue, but not really. But I'm not okay with this. I'm not okay with quashing my love of dance and singing, and passions, as I have learned, are not things that fade away with age, things that can be satisfied by some mere "side project". I want to be in a creative environment and be allowed to let my mind run as far or as fast as it pleases in colorful crazy explosions. I want to dance and sing for a living, but I also want to help people.

Part of the reason I haven't posted this month is because I didn't know how to face uncertainty again. I was so unsure of everything right when I thought I had figured it out, and I felt like I was thrown back into some blurry world with no sense of time or light, aimlessly existing with no direction. I felt like I was floating. I complained feebly to whoever would listen that I feel like I am kind of good at a lot of things, but not amazing at any one thing. (My apologies to those who listened to me whine) However, as my month of no school draws to a close, I have also learned that it is actually possible to combine all of your interests to create a career and lifestyle that I am truly happy with. All that people really fear is the unknown I guess, and I don't want to be afraid.

Sorry for the long post, but as you can see, a lot has been on my mind for quite awhile. I feel better now; more ready to face the challenges before me. I'm excited to get started on the rest of my life.



Something that I've asked a lot of friends (and my mom) in the past week: If you could do one thing in your life, career or accomplishment, and you had unlimited resources/skills, what would it be? Then ask, what's really stopping you?