For the Mr. Kites

Wow, I really dropped the ball on this thing huh? I haven't written in a month and a half, probably a record or something for me haha. I guess nothing really grabs me anymore; no finals or essays to procrastinate. Also, I think of bunches of things to write about but don't feel that I can really do the topic justice, and then while I think about it the moment passes and I don't really feel like writing about it anymore. That and I haven't really been near a computer for the past month or so.

On one hand, I guess this means I'm too busy living my life to actually write about it, which I suppose is a good thing. And I tend to write when I'm in deep contemplation or just not too happy, and it's safe to say that the past month and a half I have been pretty content with my life - another good thing! On the other hand, I guess I do miss writing kind of, maybe. Debating switching to tumblr so I can repost things and upload some songs that I love and what not, but we'll see. I kind of have a soft spot for Blogger...we've been through a lot.



Let's see, my life in the past month or two in a nutshell: Done with half of college, okay grades, a lot of packing/unpacking/repacking, BC graduation (really depressing), my sister graduated from Brown, dog got hit by a car (but is okay! just stitches thankfully), moved to a new house in Los Altos, now in Taiwan until Friday. Plans for summer are a part time internship, lots of chilling, hopefully a part time job too.

Not much to say, life is good.

I need to get some sleep.

I keep dozing off at random moments and suddenly I feel my consciousness ripping away from my surroundings and for a brief second or two or three, I am no longer in a stuffy classroom but at a bus stop, or running through the woods, or listening to my teacher from an alternate reality lecture in nonexistent languages. During these strange few moments, I am suspended in between two worlds-the physical one that binds me to this earth and the fantastical one that flies me away into the whirling imaginations of my mind. I am at once conscious yet dreaming, and during these lucid moments I have the choice of either continuing on my just-begun adventure or yanking myself out of, well I suppose out of myself, and back into awakening.

This is what falling asleep feels like to me. That strange limbo in which I always want to press onwards into my dreams and yet sometimes, even when I am safely and rightly in my pajamas in my own soft bed, my consciousness jerks awake for some unknown reason and then my eyes are wide open, staring but now actually seeing. Other times I am awakened by some loud noise or the realization that yes, I am in class, and the meager beginnings of whatever exciting hallucination that might have been flits away from the edges of my awareness, leaving me with a vague impression of having just teleported back from the bus stop that takes me to my dreams.

I can't wait to board whatever bus is waiting for me tonight.

Starting to get a little more homesick as time goes by. It's not the crippling depressing type of homesick though...at least not yet. More of a I'm happy the sun is coming back but I'm so excited to go home for the summer!!!!


In other news, I got the Special Initiatives Director position with our student government at BC!!! And I got placed into the Ethnic Studies team, which is basically exactly what I wanted. The Special Initiatives Directors work closely with the president and vice president on the issues that their platform was about, and for the president and vice president next year they are really emphasizing race issues on campus and better student support (for study abroad, living off campus, academic advising etc) and I really want to do something about both of those topics. The Ethnic Studies team is basically in charge of further developing Ethnic Studies majors/minors on our campus, and I must say we are SEVERELY lacking in this department. I'm not even TECHNICALLY minoring in Asian American Studies, because there IS no Asian American Studies minor, but just an Asian American concentration within the American Studies minor. SAD RIGHT?

Anyway I'm really looking forward to working as a director and on the team next year. When I get back from Japan life I am going to hit the ground running!! Although I'm kind of sad I won't be a part of the CSA E-board next year, I'll have other awesome things to fill up my time too :)

I've been filling out a ridiculous number of applications recently, trying to decide my future or something like that. Plans for this summer and next school year are so tentative right now, but I'm excited nonetheless. I'm finally pulling out of this strange funk (seasonal depression?) that I've been in for the past month or so and I'm getting back that old drive to accomplish great things. However, this means that I'm a little short on time... But better short on time than long I suppose! :)


In other news, it's finally getting warmer!! It was 90 here yesterday...HOW RIDICULOUS IS THAT? People keep remarking that I am suddenly so tan...just from sitting outside for a couple of hours :) AWESOME.

Kind of frustrated, I got a C+ on my Religious Quest midterm, which is 40% of my grade. DAMN IT.

Granted, I wrote this in a hurry, and granted the material covered in the midterm was taught during February, aka culture show month, aka during class I would be frantically sending out emails instead of paying attention, but still. Last semester, I got an A+ on the final and the midterm...so this is slightly irritating.

Even more frustrating is the fact that I don't know why, I just don't GET it. I was completely on top of it and so in synch with the authors when we were covering Buddhism, but the moment we switched to Christianity, it's like I just have this mental block that keeps me from being able to really be able to grasp what's going on. Fast forward to the comparative part of our course, and I literally am just lost. Every time I raised my hand I knew I was saying the wrong thing. The professor would give me that awkward look and say "Hmmm...Riiiiight, not exactly...Let's try and flesh it out a bit more" and then call on somebody else. These lofty ideas are just floating around my head, and I can't seem to see them clearly. I can't push myself past the boundaries of my current thought to get to the level that our professor expects.



I just want to do well again this semester, and it's irritating because it's not just that I'm not trying hard enough. Oh well, going to see him during his office hours will help, hopefully.

Sometimes, I get so ambitious, or I want something so bad, that I can't fall asleep because I want it so much. Usually when this happens I get up and try to be productive, because I'm clearly not sleeping.


I have such big dreams, I'm so scared that I don't have the drive to actually accomplish them all. I'm trying so hard to prove myself wrong....WORK MODE ON!!!

I can't put together a coherent post right now, but here are a couple fun facts about my life recently to tide you all over.

• So my roommate's boyfriend is on spring break, and has thus been living in our room for the past week. I have gotten sexiled so many times, it's not even funny. Entertaining for the first couple of times, but now just slightly irritating. At least the week is almost over!
• Spring break was warm, fun, and much-needed. Disneyland on a Tuesday is AWESOME...no lines = hitting every ride (except Matterhorn :( it was closed) in both parks in about 8 hours, and Space Mountain TWICE. Yeeeuhhh.
  
• ...And now I'm thinking that maybe I want to stay in California over summer, with trips to the East Coast and hopefully Taiwan in between? Currently applying to internships at organizations aimed at providing counseling services for Asian Americans. I got into my Taiwan intensive program, but not sure if I want to do it anymore. Updates to come!
  
• Saw Alice in Wonderland last Friday...must say I am slightly disappointed. The graphics and the characters were amazingly done, but the plot was somewhat lacking, and rather flat. Even the climax wasn't that exciting.
• I'm getting back into work mode and it feels good. I love being productive!! Setting goals for myself at BC, for the summer, and for more personal things as well.
• Dance is slowly taking over my life again. I'm okay with that.
• Got a bunch of new music...I really like (well done) dubstep, and Sneaky Soundsystem is pretty great too. Check out their song, "Kansas City". Although I like many different types of music, I can never stray too far from EDM (Electronic Dance Music). Electro has my heart ♥

A very entertaining and enlightening clip on street dance and dance in general. It's 17 minutes long but worth every minute of it, I promise! A more wordy post coming soon.

So culture show is finally over. Over 6 months of work, including 1 hellishly stressful month, and suddenly I find myself drowning in time when before I had to fight tooth and nail to grasp a measly handful. 2 weeks before the show was the worst for some reason - It coincided with the worst of my homesickness, with social crises and a frighteningly cold spell, and I wondered for a couple of days whether or not it would be actually worth it.

And now it's over. Runthroughs were okay, and sorry to anybody I scared the bejesus out of when I was yelling...but I would do it again! The show actually ended up running very smoothly (minus the parts where I had to talk, heh. Definitely should've planned that out more) and I keep hearing a lot of good feedback. It's so strange to see something that me and M (the other culture chair) envisioned last July coming to life on stage, but I guess that was the theme of the show right? Museum X, where culture comes to life. I'm so proud of myself and thankful for my e-board, the performers, and everybody involved. The moment after we bowed when the curtains closed was such an amazing feeling.
PS: Read the wonderful article that our newspaper wrote about our show HERE


I've been in a ridiculously good mood since our show on Friday, and I keep getting this stupid goofy grin that I can't wipe off my face, but I'm coming down from my culture show high right about now. The weekend was really fun, and also really surprising, and I'm excited to see how everything works out over the next couple of weeks. Unfortunately, I'm having a problem getting back into school mode. I don't think it's related to culture show, although when I was really busy with that I had a legitimate excuse for blowing off schoolwork, whereas now I am just slacking and being lazy. It's so hard to stay motivated 2 semesters at a time!! Okay, I promise myself that I will do better, but all I can think about is going home in 2 weeks for SPRING BREAK!! I'm dragging 4 friends home with me and we're taking a road trip to socal to play at Disneyland and the beach, and I'm really excited!


Something interesting that I used to wonder about. Why is there such a big divide between choreographed dance (hip hop groups, what you generally think of as "dance") and street dance (bboys, lockers, poppers, waackers, etc)?? I don't think it's only a BC thing, since I know my friends from home have also expressed this type of negative sentiment. Also with the recent trend with America's Best Dance Crew, I've heard some of my bboy friends express discontent at classic bboy crews "selling out" by being on the show, and even stealing moves from other well known bboys in the dance world. More personally though, here at BC I waack. I am part of the group Conspiracy Theory, which is composed of mostly street dance styles. However, there is another choreographed hip hop group on campus called Synergy, which has a tendency to run dance shows on campus, and be invited to perform at almost every type of show possible. BC loves them their Synergy. There is a lot of animosity between the 2 groups, a lot of saying that the other group isn't real "dance" and competitiveness is high. It even goes so far as to attacking particular people in each group, which I think is taking it a little far. Of course, all of this could stem from the fact that Conspiracy Theory was started by a couple of ex-Synergy members who disliked the group.

I don't quite know what to make of this - For all intents and purposes, when someone looks at my dance background I am a choreographed style dancer. I enjoy practicing routines for shows for weeks at a time, I enjoy learning other people's choreography. And yet, I still have the utmost respect for street dancers, not necessarily because I now am a part of a street dance style group, but simply because all dance is dance in it's own way...To each his own right? And while I really enjoy Conspiracy and spending time with the people in the group, I can't help but wish that I had tried out for Synergy my freshmen year. I miss choreographed dance and mandatory practices and all day rehearsals.

I'm not too sure what's going to happen next year. I plan to dance my ass off in Tokyo, and I want to continue that when I get back on campus. I'm not sure if Conspiracy alone could fulfill this need, but I know I'd probably get shunned or murdered (even if not seriously) if I ever tried out for Synergy. Not too sure how it's all going to go down....



WHATEVS. All I want to do is dance!

I can feel myself slipping back into Boston mode, but I keep having really upsetting dreams or dreams about home, and I keep waking up unhappy. Oh well, life is okay most of the time. There's a lot on my mind 24/7, I feel like a slave to deadlines and obligations, it's worse. If I forget anything, I'm not disappointing a master, I'm disappointing myself. Culture show mania feels like it's coming to a head, but I know it's just going to get so much worse in the next week. 7 more days...

I hope that it's worth it.

Personal journey is slowly making its way up and down through time. When I'm alone still feels like something's missing...I don't even need to find it I just want to know what it is. Need more creative outlets...


In other news, been rewatching a lot of movies lately. Now I remember why I love 500 Days of Summer so much. Also, any other suggestions?

I'm not too sure how I feel being back at school. I came back semi-optimistically, not with the full joy and determination of a brand new school year, but with some enthusiasm at least. I wanted to keep my grades up and not disappoint anybody, but since I've been back it's safe to say that this beginning-of-the-semester rush has all but faded away.

The way I describe it is that I am quite overwhelmed, and in the same vein, incredibly homesick. I'm so busy at school, I rarely have more than a one hour period to myself and the never-ending flow of meetings, schoolwork, class, and obligations is crushing. Now this wouldn't be too bad either, I suppose, if I wasn't feeling utterly disconnected from my social life at school too. It's hard switching back into East Coast mode and I just don't really feel up to sharpening my wits and flexing my vocal chords so that I can keep up mentally and volume-wise with the rest of my friends. Spoiled in California, I guess.

At least the classes I am taking are getting interesting. In my theology class this past week we've been discussing the concepts of loneliness versus solitude. According to our book, when you are lonely you are viewing others through a lens of your own needs, and you objectify them as solutions to your own problems. However, because only you have the solution, when the people around us inevitably disappoint us we become even more unhappy, thereby demanding even more and etc. Solitude, on the other hand, is a state in which you are in touch with the very ground of your being, when you finally stop demanding answers and listen to your questions. Because, as the book puts it, the questions are a product of your true being and "what is going on in your innermost being is worthy of your whole love".



Interesting.


I guess all that it really comes down to is learning to love yourself. For after all, it is this solitude of the heart that enables you to love and connect to others fully, without any of your own reactions or needs blurring the view. When we think about it, our crying needs in loneliness are really pointing us towards the peace of solitude, if only we take the time to stop and listen.

On a similar note, I attended an event yesterday night thrown by SASA (South Asian Students' Organization) called Happiness and the Spirit of Inclusion: Wisdom From the Orient. They had a speaker, Shri Ramanujamji, who basically said the same thing as my book but not framed in a religious context. We see the world not as things are, but as we are. Happiness is a choice, he said, because of our human ability to respond, versus react. Happiness is the state of a quiet mind, neither restless nor mindless. As he pointed out, if you think back to a moment when you were truly happy, you weren't really thinking about anything at all. He was a good speaker, it was a good event, and I left feeling a lot more peaceful and satisfied with an otherwise distressing week. Props, SASA.



So my conclusion from all this is that I need to take some time to find my solitude. I don't want to drink because I'm lonely, or bored, and certainly not as a solution. I'm tired of waking up the next day too hungover to move and stuck with the dumb or out-of-character things I did the night before. I don't remember how to make myself happy anymore and it's really taking a toll on my mental state. So despite the fact that I may have to put my summer plans on hold , and despite the fact that this is going to mean a lot more alone time in my room, this is something I really need to do. I've always said that if you have a problem with something then there's no use in whining about it, just do something about it! And it's high time I took my own advice. So you'll have to excuse me friends, when I decline to grab lunch or dinner with you, or if I simply disappear from social settings. Hopefully when I reemerge I will know what I want to do and I will have a better idea of who I am. I want to love myself and be happy most of the time (if not all), not just some of the time, and this is something I am demanding from myself and that I definitely will not get from others.


Updates to come....A long journey is ahead.

Sitting at my dining room table again, my suitcase packed and the house emptied of my belongings. I'm not entirely sure of how I feel about leaving, as I never quite want to leave where I am. While this might be a good thing, it makes goodbyes a lot harder.

This break was completely unexpected. Not to say I wasn't expecting a month of sleeping in, a glorious month of almost zero obligations and 60 degree weather, but I was more surprised by the fact that coming home has put things into perspective for me. I'm not quite sure why I didn't expect this, as I surely know that being home has a tendency to remind me of certain things. Suddenly, all the things that I thought I had figured out unfigured themselves again, and I was left with a heap of tangled multicolored strings, unsure of which one to follow and completely lacking even the most basic notion of how to begin to untangle them.

At the beginning of the semester, and even at the end, I had been so driven to accomplish a set of goals that I knew I wanted to complete. I have always been a bit of a control freak, and I often daydream by planning out my future, near or far. Majoring in Psychology and minoring in Asian American Studies, I was going to Taiwan over summer for an intensive Chinese program and then hopping on right over to Tokyo to study abroad for the fall semester. When I got back I would somehow sing/dance for 2nd semester, and maybe run for CSA e-board again senior year. After I graduated I would work around Boston, maybe in a hospital, for around 2 years and then go back to school for either a masters or Ph.d. For an even bigger picture, I would work on the east coast for a while, travel, and eventually settle down somewhere in the California Bay Area to grow old.

This is crazy right? I have a vague outline of my life from now until I am 30 something, but the end of this semester as well as my return home brought me more than just a bit of dissatisfaction with this master plan. What about singing? What about dancing? What about my love for all things creative? Growing up, I had assumed that while I loved these things, they were also things that I would leave behind in high school, with perhaps a side project blooming in adulthood to satisfy any residual passions. Do well in high school, go to a good college, get a career that works in an office of some type (gray cubicle not included) and makes a decent amount of money. When I entered college, I halfheartedly searched for opportunities to continue, but not really. But I'm not okay with this. I'm not okay with quashing my love of dance and singing, and passions, as I have learned, are not things that fade away with age, things that can be satisfied by some mere "side project". I want to be in a creative environment and be allowed to let my mind run as far or as fast as it pleases in colorful crazy explosions. I want to dance and sing for a living, but I also want to help people.

Part of the reason I haven't posted this month is because I didn't know how to face uncertainty again. I was so unsure of everything right when I thought I had figured it out, and I felt like I was thrown back into some blurry world with no sense of time or light, aimlessly existing with no direction. I felt like I was floating. I complained feebly to whoever would listen that I feel like I am kind of good at a lot of things, but not amazing at any one thing. (My apologies to those who listened to me whine) However, as my month of no school draws to a close, I have also learned that it is actually possible to combine all of your interests to create a career and lifestyle that I am truly happy with. All that people really fear is the unknown I guess, and I don't want to be afraid.

Sorry for the long post, but as you can see, a lot has been on my mind for quite awhile. I feel better now; more ready to face the challenges before me. I'm excited to get started on the rest of my life.



Something that I've asked a lot of friends (and my mom) in the past week: If you could do one thing in your life, career or accomplishment, and you had unlimited resources/skills, what would it be? Then ask, what's really stopping you?

Still confused, still scatterbrained. Went snowboarding Wednesday, can't move. Should write year reflection post among many others, but don't even feel like writing in complete sentences.

Lots of blog topics lately, some already half-composed in my head but just never get them down before I lose interest. Like I said, scatterbrained.

If nothing else, here is a list of things to amuse you, all highly applicable to kids our age. Don't know where it came from or who wrote it...love you stumble!

Random thoughts from people our age…

1. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.
2. More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.
3. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
4. I don’t understand the purpose of the line, “I don’t need to drink to have fun.” Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they’ve invented the lighter?
5. Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you’re going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you’re crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
6. That’s enough, Nickelback.
7. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
8. Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the “people you may know” feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?
9. Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn’t work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ’s. We just figured it out. Today’s kids are soft.
10. There is a great need for sarcasm font.
11. Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f was going on when I first saw it.
12. I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I’ll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone’s laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I’m still the only one who really, really gets it.
13. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
14. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
15. I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
16. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.
17. A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.
18. Was learning cursive really necessary?
19. Lol has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to say”.
20. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
21. Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.
22. My brother’s Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, “Cuz we beat you, and you hate us.” Classy, bro.
23. Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart”.
24. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear what they said?
25. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!
26. Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using ‘as in’ examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss’s last name to an attorney and said “Yes that’s G as in…(10 second lapse)..ummm…Goonies”
27. What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?
28. While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it…thanks Mario Kart.
29. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
30. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
31. I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.
32. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
33. I would like to officially coin the phrase ‘catching the swine flu’ to be used as a way to make fun of a friend for hooking up with an overweight woman. Example: “Dave caught the swine flu last night.”
34. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.
35. Bad decisions make good stories
36. Whenever I’m Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don’t mind if I do!
37. Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?
38. If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.
39. Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I’m from, this shouldn’t be a problem….
40. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
41. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don’t want to have to restart my collection.
42. There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
43. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
44. “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this ever.
45. I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV.. There’s so much pressure. ‘I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren’t watching this. It’s only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?’
46. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What’d you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?
47. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
48. When I meet a new girl, I’m terrified of mentioning something she hasn’t already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
49. I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it’s on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
50. Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles…
51. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
52. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
53. It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.
54. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
55. Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn’t know what do to with it.
56. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time…
57. My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day “Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?” How the hell do I respond to that?
58. It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.
59. I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.
60. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
61. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.
62. The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There’s nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner

So finals week is finally over and after 2 canceled flights I am finally sitting in front of terminal E1B at Logan airport. Stuff has been kind of crazy lately, especially with the blizzard that descended upon the Northeast this weekend. Boston got 12 inches!!!! And it was relatively mild in our section!! I have to say though, I love waking up the next morning and seeing everything covered in white :)

It's kind of crazy how this semester is over. I know, you UC kids have been home for well over a week and I'm a little late to join you all, but it still hasn't hit me yet!! I wasn't really sure what to expect coming into my sophomore year at BC, and I'm still not entirely sure how I feel about it. This semester was extremely up and down, but I don't think I can just attribute it to sophomore slump. I feel like I am in a very transitional stage of my life. I'm slowly starting to figure out what I want to do with myself (very...very slowly...) and what is really important to me. I'm starting to pull away from this concept of home, but at the same time I don't love BC. Of course, I miss home and I generally enjoy my time at BC, but I feel like at the moment I'm caught in the middle, not sure where I really want to be anymore. I don't know.

I'm just kind of confused about almost every part of my life right (minus academics I guess?), so I think it's time to do a little soul searching this month. I'm blindly groping my way through life, but I feel like the more time that passes the clearer things get. I want to choose my own adventure, I want to define my own path. I don't know where I'm going to end up, but I have to say that I'm extremely excited for what's in store.



Things I want to do this break:
-cook more
-run
-dance
-read
-draw
-make money??
-find more interesting things to do in cupertino

Home is so close I can almost taste the delicious La Vic's in my mouth. What is home? A concept that is slowly disappearing. What am I looking forward to?



Without class days, without a structure to the week all the days start to melt together and it all feels the same. We eat, we procrastinate, we work, and occasionally we sleep. Study days, week days, weekends. Why are weekends called that if they're technically the beginning. Study days, weeks days, weekends, week-beginnings are all the same. "Today is going to be a long day" is a sentence that we utter almost everyday but today becomes tomorrow and we're still studying diligently, eyes blurring over as we try to type our 50th page or read the 100th study guide. Today is tomorrow is last thursday is next Sunday....Sunday seems so far away.




Back to work. God is agapic love, and we follow the faith of Christianity by inspiring the Buddha nature within all of us. Correlation coefficients, running t-tests, running from Poseidon and the Charybdis, running. 私はたくさんべんきゅうしました。Stress is relieved by right brain activity, because when you use your right brain your left one shuts off and that's where stress comes from. Stress, psychology, work. Rambling.



Finals aren't really that bad. Real post to come later.

Last year, during most of my many reflections on my college experience, I used to tell myself and others that I didn't think I'd changed much over college. I frowned as I witnessed my friends changing, particularly when they joined the Greek system, and I sighed and told myself that I was above all of that.

It's so easy to pretend you're better than everybody else.


Truthfully. Honestly? College has changed me, and not in a good way. That's not to say that I am overall a worse person now than I was a year and a half ago, but I definitely have to say that overall, I am less happy, in general and with myself. At home, having lived in the same place for 15 years, I was never at a loss for good friends. I always had one person I could talk to about anything, and if I wanted somebody to eat with there was always someone willing to come with. Friends at home understand the entire process of why I am the way I am, because they were there with me when everything happened. They know what to say or what to do to cheer me up, when I am feeling insecure they know how to reassure me. I forgot that these people are hard to come by...I forgot that it's not normal to just click with everybody you meet, and there are so many different types of people that it takes some serious searching to find those that honestly deserve to and are willing to be by your side. But I digress. This is not something that I can overcome with sheer will...This is an issue to be worked on slowly, over time. But I do miss my friends from home.

The real thing that's bothering me is the coastal difference in humor. At home, humor is based on witty puns, on chill jokes and random bizarre things that everybody finds funny. On the east coast, or maybe it's just Boston College, it's based on making fun of everybody else. When I first got here, I was surprised and sometimes offended by the jokes people made. My mind wasn't used to thinking quickly, to jabbing outwards as fast as possible to deflect any jokes made in my direction onto others. Fast forward to a year and a half later. When I hang out in groups, it's all about the insults. It's about who can be wittier, but at the expense of others. My mental censor is almost nonexistent now, and acidic comments drop from my tongue faster than I can realize I've made them. Even though I can say that I wasn't like this before college, that my friends are sucking me into the neverending circle of ridicule, I can't blame my friends for this...You always have a choice!


Sometimes, after I've made a particularly mean comment, something inside me screams "This isn't me!!!" I never said that I couldn't keep up, but I don't want to anymore. I think this is my number one goal for the year. Yes, it's going to be hard keeping my mouth shut when people fling joking (or is it?) insults my way. Yes, it's going to be hard pulling myself out of the circle of revenge that has somehow developed among my friends. Yes, it's going to be hard pushing against change. But I'm tired of constantly being on edge, waiting for the next time I have to throw myself against others. I miss having a real loving bond with my friends, one that isn't overshadowed by how mean we are to each other on a day to day basis. I like taking care of my friends and making them happy, not putting them down. Ha-ha so funny...seems like my two problems might be connected.




So yeah. I'm sorry to the innocent bystanders that I have probably hurt (mostly my friends from home), but I'm working on it. I don't want to be mean anymore :(

I know, it's been forever. My bad. But really, there was nothing that interesting going on. So, now that a lot of kind of interesting things have happened, hopefully i can mash them all together into a semi-interesting point. WOOHOO!

First off, Halloween and my birthday both turned out splendidly, even though they both started off on kind of the wrong foot. I keep telling myself, when things suck the only thing you can do is to do something silly and to make yourself happy...The only person who can always turn things around is yourself! Although really good friends and hot pot and lots of cake help too :) Darn, I also almost escaped getting caked this year, but my friends did not share my sentiments. Overall, a pretty fun 2 weeks.

Okay, I lied. I didn't have enough to say or enough time to blog once a week. However, I now have free time for the first time in about a month, and it feels awesome. I still have a paper due next week, but that's not until Thursday and I'm going to enjoy my weekend while it lasts. This is my favorite part of the year-the changing of the seasons, halloween, my birthday, thanksgiving, christmas, new years, my sister's birthday, and then my mom's birthday all rush together and pass by in a wave. There's so much to look forward to in such a short period of time!!

The thing about free time is that you are left alone with your thoughts. Especially with the game of assassins (spoon tag?) going on around me and everybody clutching their spoons frantically whenever someone Asian walks towards them, somehow places that offer solitude are just more comforting as of late.

"You and I, truth and lies"




I have a lot to say but no way to say them. Blogging is no longer a release because I have to worry about who's reading it and how they will react.

This weekend was a much needed break from reality; S and Y both visited, and there were lots of memories created, some of which aren't remembered haha. Time is absolutely flying by though...this year even more so than last year. Although as all the upperclassmen tell me, time only keeps going faster after this. It's back to work though, I've got to be on top of my stuff this week if I want to have a worry free weekend in New York later.

The weather is changing again. The leaves barely had a chance to turn red before rain moved in over Chesnut Hill, MA and the temperature drops around 20 to 30 degrees with the sunset. However, I have to say...despite how much I complain I absolutely love the rain. I love waking up to the sound of raindrops on the roof, I love the way the world takes on a hue of gray, I love splashing through puddles with my indestructible rainboots. I like the idea of how the world is being washed clean...I think my favorite thing to do on rainy days is to curl up somewhere comfortable (a bed preferably) next to a window and watch the rain as I read. A hot beverage is appreciated, but not necessary. With the puddles forming and flowing over outside, I feel a lot more peaceful and content and this is never something I could complain about.

What is love? Ever since I started taking Health Psychology, I find myself coming back to the question, thinking about it even when I don't need to. I find myself frustrated over this question, because I am unable to answer it and yet I am so sure that I know what it is. A lack of eloquence, I suppose. Love is a concept surely, love is blind, love is rewarding and love is kind. Love is something you're supposed to feel in your gut and in your soul and when you know, you know. Love is when you want the absolute best for the object of your affections and you want to help them get there with no expectations for reward because when they're happy, you are too. Love is when you would do anything for them, because you trust them and know that they would never take more than you could give. I don't know...how do you describe a feeling?



Post definitely to be continued...for the meantime im going to sing my heart out and attempt to play piano :)

This blogging once a week thing is a lot harder than it seems haha. Sometimes it's that I have nothing to say, sometimes it's that I don't have the time or the right words to say what I want to say, but I'm trying!

Things are still ridiculously busy, and I don't think I am going to get a break anytime soon. Even the weekends are fraught with performances and meetings, and all free time is devoted to slogging through mounds of work so that I'm not behind the next day or week. I'm not saying that everything I'm doing isn't worth it, but it kind of feels that way. I haven't had a good day to myself for doing nothing in awhile, or even just a few hours of hanging out with a friend with no second agenda (making it out to an event, studying together, etc.) I'm not overloaded, but I feel like I'm right at the tipping point and at any moment I could fall over the other side. I'm trying really hard and succeeding in getting at least 8 hours of sleep a day, attending all the events I can, finishing all my work for the next day early, not procrastinating, and still making time for practice, but I'm scared shitless of the day I can't stay on top of it anymore. The next 3 weeks will include: a trip to New York, my sister visiting, S visiting, multiple CSA and other events, a lot of meetings (with teachers and otherwise), my parents visiting, 2 papers, 3 midterms, 2 tests and 2 quizzes. It looks like Halloween will be the first weekend I can really relax, but not even really...there's a paper due the Thursday after...So maybe my birthday? SORRY, this kind of just turned into a to-do list for the next month, but I need to write it down somewhere haha.



Okay, my brain is really scattered and I can't think of any cohesive idea which would make for a non-boring paragraph, so here is the sum of my thoughts:

• HMMM. Also need to find a Halloween costume....any ideas?? Something not too expensive/hard to put together, preferably :)
• as it turns out, earphones are actually more needed in my daily life than an ipod itself...hopefully I'll get both soon
• I NEED A JOB :(
• It's been kind of hard falling asleep again...I'm not even thinking about anything important, just like dance moves or my outfit the next day....SUCKS.
• I'm actually kind of losing weight this year because I don't have time to eat
• Kleerup ft. Lykke Li- Until We Bleed is my new favorite song...I noticed I have a tendency to like artists out of Sweden
• Being a girl sucks...never know if I'm actually feeling something or if it's just my hormones driving me crazy.

HMMMM. That's about it. Topics for next time: mixing friends with work, being yourself in a new environment. I'm just waiting for time to pass...

"Back to you, it always comes, back to you...Doesn't it scare you, your will is not as strong as it, used to be"