For the Mr. Kites

So...a continuation from earlier tonight. I had tried to write a positive post, that would reflect on my generally happy belief that everything will be alright, but halfway through shit happened and I no longer felt like being happy whatsoever.

My life feels like a broken record and I'm not strong enough to just pull up that needle and set it down on a new CD. I also don't know how to fix the cracks. There is so much shit going on that I just don't know how to fix, but keep trying regardless. I'm so tired of feeling like everything is my fault, that I should feel guilty for being lucky or having friends, or for never having been clinically depressed or had some traumatic event happen to me. I'm so tired of playing the villain even though I know I'm not, or at least not doing it on purpose. I wish I had my peace of mind back... That was the most stable and happy that I'd felt in a long long time.

Life is easier when you don't get attached to other people.



There are too many things in the past that still twist my stomach into knots (quite literally, my stomach feels like I just took advil on an empty stomach or something right now) and make me almost sad enough to cry. Most of the things I've gotten over, some things I haven't but will, and maybe others are going to scar me for life and in the way I handle future situations.

Maybe, I feel like this because I have been very stressed lately. My days are jam packed until spring break, and I have no artistic outlet in which to pour my frustrations. My friends here, while fun, still can't live up to my friends at home, and a phone conversation or videochat is just not the same as a good face to face hang out. I'm still trying to get the hang of college, still trying to decide if I'm at the right place and doing the right things, and Life is not kind to me when I am confused.


I'm tired of not being happy with who I am or what I'm doing or who I'm doing it with. I just want to be happy, that's all.
It's 6:49 AM. I have class in 3 hours.