For the Mr. Kites

It is currently 4:32 AM. Why am I awake? I did not drink tonight, I did not go crazy or go out or get dressed all cute or mingle with many people. The most exciting thing I did tonight was attend the football game against Virginia Tech which took place in 30 degree weather, and truly it was freezing. It was very fun to watch though, and we won, so hooray.

It is currently 4:32 AM. I have some songs playing that take me back to the long stretch of Highway 5 with a van full of sleeping friends heading back home after a fun weekend excursion. I just watched a video that takes me back to a dark room in a friend's house, watching a light show in wonder. The voices ooh-ing and ahh-ing and cheering in the video could almost be mine, and I know exactly what it's like to be seeing what they are.

It is currently 4:36 AM. I miss my old life. I miss being able to fuck around all the time and do whatever we wanted to without too much worry for consequences. I miss the group hangouts, the one-on-one talks, the little things about each person that make them unique. I miss driving my car through familiar streets to get some nice pearl milk tea on a cold night. I miss defining cold as some 50 degrees, instead of freezing point. I miss the close proximity of everybody I really cared about, and the fact that we were even in the same time zone at all. I miss my good friends and how I could talk to them about anything without them assuming some undertone that really doesn't exist, or without them judging me for my faults. I miss knowing what I was doing and where I was, figuratively and literally.

It is currently 4:39 AM. I don't know why I'm thinking about this right now...Life at Boston College has gotten drastically better, and I am no longer seriously considering transferring, which I suppose is a good sign. Maybe it's because I'm a lot further from the city than I thought (a 30 minute train ride which closes at midnight) and because I'm even a lot further from the main campus than I thought (on a separate freshmen dorm on the law school campus), but it's harder for me to call this place home. After a pretty terrible first month, things are looking up, but I haven't felt this...strange, in quite awhile. I thought that I had gotten over it, but I guess not. Hopefully it'll fade?

It is currently 4:43 AM. I miss my old life. I guess you could call it high school, as in not the education reference itself but rather that time period. I miss people, special one(s) in particular. Life is not being cruel, this was my choice. Change is inevitable, but even though I try to accept that fact and embrace it instead of hiding, sometimes it's hard. I want my old life back. At this very moment, I would give up the whole dorm college life, partying every weekend, meeting new people, to be singing, dancing, working hard and seeing results, and being with my friends again.

It is currently 4:45 AM. I am going to bed. Good Night.